Particularly resonant

So while cleaning tonight madly, I found this letter I wrote to myself back in August. It was the last night of our NSO breakaway adventure, the last night officially pre-college. I read through it and laughed, cried, got tremendously embarrased, pretty much you name it. But I thought a lot of it rang particularly true tonight, the last night of my freshman year. Again, the precipices...

August 24, 2005
Hey Peg,

So again here I am on the brink. Its the last night of our Breakaway, and we're sitting here roasting in the bunkhouse at Opal Creek. It feels kinda like an anticlimactic end to this week, an unexpected let down, curious after I've spent the better part of this outing guarding myself against cold and pain. But I'm warm and dry, so I really can't complain that much. I feel like I've hit my people quota for the week, so its getting harder and harder to keep myself involved and present. But sitting here is infinitly better than facing what morning has to offer. It wasn't until we hit Jawbone this afternoon that the reality of this event really hit me. Tomorow I'm starting college. Then finally I was able to lok around me for the first time, see through the perpetual drip drizzle, and fully take in the mountanis. This is a truly beautiful place, which I get four years to explore. I'm pysched.

I don't really know what else to say. I feel like I'm in such a better place now vesus the last time I wrote one of these letters. I'm ready to get this year started, get the useless awkwardness of the first few weeks in a new place over and done with. I feel so on edge, this nagging nervousness and everything, like theres always something I'm not doing to make this portion of my life OK. Aprehension...I'm working so hard to not hope up inside myself, to keep up in the inner circle, not chilling onthe outside watchingall the time. It takes so much energy, but this time around I know how much its worth. Its funny, the pulling instincts- to hole up and be with my head-or keep throwing myself ointo the ring. I'm excited about Akin,...My lingering worry is to just get overwhelmed. WIth school work, with being around people, with being so far away for so long. Right now its just too much blank space to fill, uninmaginable.

I'm sitting transfixed by fire, flames mirrored against the pouring rain. Yes its raining. For the fourth night in a row. It is possible. But I made it. I even made it down the two mile descent from hell on my bad knees. Thats why I love backpacking- the knowledge oozing from your body that you've conquere something difficult. Even if its shitty in the process.

So no wellwishes this time around. Although it was pretty funny to hear me whining in retrospect. I will be satisfied if you feel like you've lived, loved, and learned tremendously. I will be happy if you've challenged yourself, and happily sought challenge from others. Everything else is a bonus.

Oh, and please. No more shitty boyfriends, alright?

Love,
P


So true, on so many levels. I feel my 16 year old self, pre AFS, yelling at my 18 year old self to wise up and stop hiding behind so many pretty words. And they're both sitting, glowering at me today, imploring me to stop being so damn dramatic all the time- that in the mean time the world is running away.

Yes, Ani. "Sometimes the best lessons are learned at the worst times"

I wonder what we have when we're not pretending, its neverending, haven't you heard?

fulduh: i died today. and now im rebuilding. i think. i hope.
fulduh: i spent 2 hours in the counseling center today. it was...scary. in a good way. i really dont want to come home
AcappSngr: what are afraid of/why not?
fulduh: im realizing that i did what i did this weekend somehow in response to alot of things there...more of a fuck you world than anything else...and im realizing that...home is not a good place to be. that the longer im there the more i believe what they say...and thats really not a good thing. but ik now when im there ill forget all of this...i get so wrapped up in being the person that they think i am...that they think i should be...and i forget whats really under there.
fulduh: this is all absurd.all of it. and damn it...i dont like the person theyd have me be. but i cant...because so much of it is who i am...and everything i hate about him are the best parts of me.
AcappSngr: i cant advise you or come close to it .. all i can say is im here for you i love you like a sister and i am here for you
fulduh: i know ...that means....a lot more than you think
fulduh: can we go to the bay...?
fulduh: its funny...i dont know why...everytime im...not doing well i have ocean dreams. and i wake up hearing waves ringing...and its a huge...disappointment.
AcappSngr: waters a powerful thing
fulduh: i heard a seagull the other day..it almost made me cry. and then we had a thunderstorm...and ive never felt so...relieved.
AcappSngr: you should have gone out and stood in it ... thats one of the most relaxing things ive ever done
fulduh: but just listening...i sat outside last night talking to afriend until 2...for the first time i wished i had any composition skills...i would write that night...write the whitenoise and trains moaning and wind and leaves and pretend silence
fulduh: god boy, im a mess.
AcappSngr: ah yes ... but apparently for you tourtured and poetic go hand in hand
fulduh: i hide behind words. have you not figured that out already
fulduh: words are withdrawn. i control words.
AcappSngr: thats probly why you have such a strong attraction to music; less refined and controlled
AcappSngr: you hide behind words, but there is no way to hide behind music, it is truly your soul in the air, it is you expressing you, passion, love regret, loss, yearning, hope, pick an adjective: that's music ... you cant control what you feel each time, you cant control what you do each time ... words are different, words mean one thing, say one thing, music can speak so many different things at once ,,, sorry ill stop before i write a dissertation
fulduh: what you said makes a lot of sense
fulduh: like...playing is a way of facing my fears...of having everything that ive been concealing bared...
AcappSngr: yeah .. i know ... its the same for me .... at least when i put my heart into it
fulduh: having to face emotion
fulduh: and thats why i hate performing...get such stage fright
fulduh: because youre up there and theres no avoiding the fact hat everyone out there knows the deepest secrets of your soul...that the whole world can see right through you
AcappSngr: ah yes ... but the entire audience is letting their soul be bared throught the music as well .. which is why i disagree that the audience is the reason you play .. i think that the audience is there for themselves .. not for you
fulduh: i dont thknk the audience is the reason you play, almost like theyre there witnessing...some intrinsic transendental experience...like stumbling onto someone masterbating...or being born.


Aww Chris. You saved me today. I hope you know that.

Because I'm Too Shellshocked for the Neccesary Nostalgia

Said "I love you" and meant it.
Hugged a tree.
Done a striptease.
Bungee jumped.
Visited Paris.
Watched a lightning storm at sea.
Stayed up all night long and watch the sunrise.
Seen the Northern Lights.
Gone to a huge sports game.
Grown and eaten your own vegetables. *sigh* chybi mne Zdelove
Touched an iceberg.
Slept under the stars.
Changed a baby's diaper.
Taken a trip in a hot air balloon.
Watched a meteor shower.
Gotten drunk on champagne. Yea Novy Rok and almost getting blown up by Honza's bottle rocket
Given more than you can afford to charity.
Looked up at the night sky through a telescope.
Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment. lord all the time
Had a food fight.
Bet on a winning horse.
Taken a sick day when you're not ill.
Asked out a stranger.
Had a snowball fight.
Photocopied your bottom on the office photocopier.
Screamed as loudly as you possibly can.
Held a lamb.
Organized and planned a surprise party for a loved one.
Taken a midnight skinny dip. So beautiful...
Taken an ice cold shower.
Had a meaningful conversation with a beggar.
Seen a total eclipse.
Ridden a roller coaster.
Hit a home run.
Fit three weeks miraculously into three days.
Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking. Yea but I was heinously drunk at the time...
Adopted an accent for an entire day.
Visited the birthplace of your ancestors. Some Day...
Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment.
Had two hard drives for your computer.
Visited all 50 states.
Loved your job for all accounts.
Taken care of someone who was really sick.
Had enough money to be truly satisfied.
Have amazing friends.
Danced with a stranger in a foreign country.
Watched wild whales.
Stolen a sign.
Backpacked in Europe.
Taken a road-trip.
Rock climbing.
Lied to foreign government's official in that country to avoid notice. So Toronto shouldn't probably count...
Midnight walk on the beach.
Sky diving.
Visited Ireland.
Been heartbroken longer then you were actually in love.
In a restaurant, sat at a stranger's table and had a meal with them.
Visited Japan.
Bench pressed your own weight.
Milked a cow.
Alphabetized your cds.
Pretended to be a superhero.
Sung karaoke.
Lounged around in bed all day.
Protested something you feel strongly against.
Scuba diving.
Got it on to "Let's Get It On" by Marvin Gaye.
Kissed in the rain.
Played in the rain.
Gone to a drive-in theater.
Done something you should regret, but don't regret it.
Started a business.
Discovered that someone who's not supposed to have known about your blog has discovered your blog. Hi Mom!
Dropped Windows in favor of something better.
Fallen in love and not had your heart broken.
Toured ancient sites. Me gustan los castillos
Taken a martial arts class for like 7 years.
Swordfought for the honor of a woman.
Played a DVD for more than 6 hours straight. oh COME ON. hello sick days people.
Been in a movie.
Crashed a party.
Loved someone you shouldn't have.
Kissed someone so passionately it made them dizzy.
Gotten divorced.
Started an office war.
Gone without food for 5 days.
Made cookies from scratch.
Won first prize in a costume contest.
Ridden a gondola in Venice.
Gotten a tattoo.
Rafted the Snake River.
Been on television news programs as an "expert".
Got flowers for no reason.
Made out in a public place.
Got so drunk you don't remember anything. *winces*
Been addicted to some form of illegal drug.
Performed on stage. longer than I can remember...
Recorded music.
Eaten shark.
Drank an entire 6 pack by yourself.
Gone to Thailand.
Seen Siouxsie live.
Bought a house.
Been in a combat zone.
Buried one/both of your parents.
Shaved all of your hair off.
Been on a cruise ship.
Spoken more than one language fluently. Though I definitly hesitate to bold this one...
Gotten into a fight while attempting to defend someone.
Bounced a check.
Performed in theatre. Had like three lines in 5th grade Hamlet
Read - and understood - your credit report.
Raised children.
Taken a bicycle tour in a foreign country.
Found out something significant that your ancestors did.
Called or written your Congress person.
Picked up and moved to another city to just start over. Not unless college counts.
Walked the Golden Gate Bridge.
Sang loudly in the car, and didn't stop when you knew someone was looking.
Had an abortion.
Had plastic surgery.
Survived an accident that you shouldn't have survived.
Held someone while they were having a flashback.
Piloted an airplane.
Pet a stingray.
Broken someone's heart.
Helped an animal give birth.
Been fired or laid off from a job.
Won money on a T.V. game show.
Broken a bone.
Killed a human being.
Gone on an African photo safari.
Ridden a motorcycle.
Driven any land vehicle at a speed of greater than 100km/h.
Had a body part of yours below the neck pierced.
Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol.
Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild. Czech national past time...;-)
Ridden a horse.
Had major surgery.
Ridden on a passenger train.
Had a snake as a pet.
Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon.
Slept through an entire flight: takeoff, flight, and landing.
Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours.
Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states.
Visited all 7 continents. Espero que un dia...
Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days.
Eaten kangaroo meat.
Fallen in love at an ancient Mayan burial ground.
Been a sperm or egg donor.
Eaten sushi.
Had your picture in the newspaper.
Had 2 healthy romantic relationships for over a year in your lifetime.
Changed someone's mind about something you care deeply about.
Gotten someone fired for their actions.
Gone back to school.
Parasailed.
Changed your name.
Petted a cockroach.
Eaten fried green tomatoes.
Read The Iliad.
Selected one "important" author who you missed in school, and read a book by them.
Dined in a restaurant and stolen silverware, plates, or cups because your apartment needed them. May as well just start calling the Bon friggin K Mart.
Taught yourself an art from scratch.
Killed and prepared an animal for eating.
Apologized to someone years after inflicting the hurt.
Skipped all your school reunions. Call it a proactive bolding...
Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language.
Been elected to public office.
Written your own computer language.
Thought to yourself that you're living your dream. What a fleeting thought...sadly.
Had to put someone you love into hospice care.
Built your own PC from parts.
Sold your own artwork to someone who didn't know you.
Had a booth at a street fair.
Dyed your hair.
Been a DJ.
Found out someone was going to dump you via LiveJournal.
Written your own role playing game.
Been arrested.
Hated someone.

A Little Bit of ...

Horray for inner torment. Seems to be one of those moments where everything is perfectly and opaquely clear. Except for my fucking paper, which I should be attacking. Right now.

Ok.

So I'm a sloppy drunk. This much we knew. Maybe even a bit promiscious. Also shouldn't be any huge revelation.

I refuse to appologize for my actions. Because I'm not sorry, I don't regret what I did. In fact, I had a good time. Maybe even enjoyed myself. Yea. So damn it world, STOP TRYING TO MAKE ME FEEL GUILTY.

Just because I did things I have only dreamed about (and I do mean that) that I would never allow myself the freedom of, does not mean my life should crumble.

Just because that night I was was not a me that I'm particularly used to being, does not mean it wasn't me. No, pride is probably not the first thing that comes to mind right about now, damn it, I'm human. I make choices, and I reap all the consequences.

I'd do it again.

Bwahahaha

Two pages of absolute gibberish in the can. This should not feel so slimey. But I'm still standing, several hours of contemplation and deep conversation later. Note to self: 2 am is no good for nostalgia, emotional breakthroughs, or existentialism. I miss morning being a novelty. I've seen the wrong side of 3 am far too often for my liking this month. But I know that far too soon I'll miss this, will crave this intensity and craziness.

Recap of the Dead List:

Dead:
Logic Three Pager
Seven Pages of IA

Dying:
Logic Presentation
3-5 more pages of IA
Working knowledge of Russian

'Eh. Who the hell cares:
Aural Skills
Spanish
Workbook and Corrections
Practicing (HHAHAHAHA)

And I'm out. Smokey-fish, signing off.

Uh...

Logic Two Pager and Presentation in T- 24 hours. I can't tell if I'm feverish or just tired. I've slept too much lately to be tired.

This does not bode well.

And There It Was...All Daybright and Shiny Stars

I had a vision of my future tonight, and to tell y'all the truth, it was kinda nice. I went straight from Orchestra, which ran over till 9:30ish, to rehearsing Scott's (Insert Last Name Here. No really. Its something with a B) percussion piece for the composition recital tonight. Super stressed, super bitchy, but somehow the process of working through a new piece from nothing, with a whole crowd of kids as super hyped as you are to be exactly where you are, doing exactly what your doing at that moment in time. It had that same old sparkly charm, bad mood totally gone, and I'm flying sky high. I wish I could explain it better, the power music has over me, the indomitable capacity to shut out the world. I remember days in middle school and high school where I'd be physically ill, and within in minutes of the warm up chords of Jazz Band or Wind Ensemble or whatever, all of that would be out the window. I know the physiology of it, how music literally slows down your bodily functions, heartrate, blood pressure and all. But in the end, its the process of making something out of nothing, conquering a small part of existence, being inescapably present, its all of that which I find so...calming.

I'm excited for the future to come. For the days when I can be that spontaneously devoted, can wander the lengths of my passions, without silly research papers and required courses getting in the way. More than that, I'm...maybe curious? aroused? By the specter of it all.

Enough. Red Negras, I shall conquer. Ya here me? I will take you down, and I shall win.