Sunday, February 26, 2006
Thursday, February 23, 2006
EEEEEE.
I think I just got a job this summer at Girl Scout Camp in Vermont!!!!!!!!!!!!!
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.
These people want to pay me to go and run around in the woods all summer!!! And go and much around with a bunch of crazy girls!!!!!!!!!! And foreign Russian counselors!!!
AHAHAHAHAHAH.
Peggy Happy. Peggy Very Happy.
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.
These people want to pay me to go and run around in the woods all summer!!! And go and much around with a bunch of crazy girls!!!!!!!!!! And foreign Russian counselors!!!
AHAHAHAHAHAH.
Peggy Happy. Peggy Very Happy.
Wednesday, February 22, 2006
Endorphins are the New Pink
Maybe, just maybe, catching my breath today. I'm just out from a mile+ pool morning, and the blood is running and the day is disgustingly beautiful and fickle. This is, what, day six of the "Lets keep Peggy sane by working out" campaign, and yea, it will destroy my body but oh god, feels soooooooo good. Then had a naked Russian conversation in the locker room with Ira, which made me incredibly happy, and for the first time in months my day doesn't seem quite so oppressive.
In an effort to keep up this facade of clarity and honesty and non-opaqueness, yes, finally heard from him, was weird as fuck, but yes, am relieved, at the very least. Patience is not my strong suit, I just want to fix the world now damnit, not sit back and wait for the explosion. But I am learning, sometimes the explosions are the best lessons. Regardless, not my call to make. So thank you, again, to every shoulder I've cried on, every unsuspecting soul I've snapped at, every half-way decent conversation I've ruined recently by dumping my own baggage on top of and squishing to death.
That whole lets take people as they are thing is still very nacent. I'm afraid I'll break first, and the old ways are just too easy, too ingrained. Its just so easy to slip back into those habits, wall off the world, and play happily in my own little sanitary hole. I keep telling myself, its more than worth it to learn to deal, learn to feel again, not fear emotion and drowning, and more than worth it now. I keep telling myself either things will be resolved, or I'll get used to it, its just a matter of which gets here first. And it will, so for now, I'm exploring, as sick as that sounds.
I really honestly do believe that everything happens for a reason. Not the whole slap-happy omnipotent omnicient predestination thing, but yea. We are meant to walk the path that we are on, and to see where it leads us. Maybe that is just the peace I make with a world that confuses and frightens, maybe it is my easy way out. But too many times I've found myself at a complete lost, and the only option is to follow my gut, and let instinct lead me to where I should be. Thats all you have left, when all of your comparisons fall away, when everything you know, everything you've learned, everything you've experienced, when everything very suddenly and cruely doesn't apply any more. I think that reliance on instinct is part of what I've been really missing back here in the States, part of the whole dependence thing that I find so stiffling. And its also what I fear the most, just letting go, stop logicalizing, stop thinking the world to death, and to trust in myself and my surroundings, or who I've chosen to surround me, that things will come out OK in the end. But maybe thats it, you have to sink before you let yourself float.
This is not the end, of the troubles, of the meltdowns, of the confusions. But I'd be worried if it were. I don't know what I'm doing, I haven't got it figured out, and I laugh at anyone who claims to know. Maybe laughing in itself is a step, two feet over envy at the very least.
Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming...
In an effort to keep up this facade of clarity and honesty and non-opaqueness, yes, finally heard from him, was weird as fuck, but yes, am relieved, at the very least. Patience is not my strong suit, I just want to fix the world now damnit, not sit back and wait for the explosion. But I am learning, sometimes the explosions are the best lessons. Regardless, not my call to make. So thank you, again, to every shoulder I've cried on, every unsuspecting soul I've snapped at, every half-way decent conversation I've ruined recently by dumping my own baggage on top of and squishing to death.
That whole lets take people as they are thing is still very nacent. I'm afraid I'll break first, and the old ways are just too easy, too ingrained. Its just so easy to slip back into those habits, wall off the world, and play happily in my own little sanitary hole. I keep telling myself, its more than worth it to learn to deal, learn to feel again, not fear emotion and drowning, and more than worth it now. I keep telling myself either things will be resolved, or I'll get used to it, its just a matter of which gets here first. And it will, so for now, I'm exploring, as sick as that sounds.
I really honestly do believe that everything happens for a reason. Not the whole slap-happy omnipotent omnicient predestination thing, but yea. We are meant to walk the path that we are on, and to see where it leads us. Maybe that is just the peace I make with a world that confuses and frightens, maybe it is my easy way out. But too many times I've found myself at a complete lost, and the only option is to follow my gut, and let instinct lead me to where I should be. Thats all you have left, when all of your comparisons fall away, when everything you know, everything you've learned, everything you've experienced, when everything very suddenly and cruely doesn't apply any more. I think that reliance on instinct is part of what I've been really missing back here in the States, part of the whole dependence thing that I find so stiffling. And its also what I fear the most, just letting go, stop logicalizing, stop thinking the world to death, and to trust in myself and my surroundings, or who I've chosen to surround me, that things will come out OK in the end. But maybe thats it, you have to sink before you let yourself float.
This is not the end, of the troubles, of the meltdowns, of the confusions. But I'd be worried if it were. I don't know what I'm doing, I haven't got it figured out, and I laugh at anyone who claims to know. Maybe laughing in itself is a step, two feet over envy at the very least.
Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming...
Sunday, February 19, 2006
Reminder.
(Anonymous)
2005-07-25 04:52 am UTC (link)
who is you ;-)? Sometimes I read your postings and really actually feel like all those times weve sat and philosophized, right now the night after backpacking talking on your back patio till 1 am in the dark...all i can say to you now is bravo. no, you're right, you're not cured. sometimes i think you never really are cured from a pivotal relationship...but maybe thats the beauty of it...would you really want to be over her in such a short time? Suprisingly ( or not) i do agree with you on the god concept. I believe things happen for a reason...not that things are predetermined, not that someone or something is dictating all of our actions, but just that if we live a purpose driven life, things all end up in the end...the question is just where..how...what the destination is. Sometimes it just takes longer to figure out what you're supposed to get out of the experience. Maybe thats just the peace i make with a life that is far to lonely and empty and spiritual and amazing and vital and interactive...that we are meant to be doing what we are doing. As for being happy with yourself, if thats true, bravo. Even just stating so is a step in the right direction...having that be somewhere on your radar, on your consciousness...Life is an act of making peace...with yourself, with the world, whatever, just as long as you dont concede and give up too much in the process. Remember, just because you're diving off in a new direction very soon doesn't mean you have to give up what you have here...(yea i know...haha coming from me, but hear me out). Too many times I've burned my bridges, just assuming that whomever was important to me would make the effort to stick by me...well guess what, when you take that attitude, the only person who looses is you. There is no need to resign yourself and be cut off unless you want to. Trust me on that one...
2005-07-25 04:52 am UTC (link)
who is you ;-)? Sometimes I read your postings and really actually feel like all those times weve sat and philosophized, right now the night after backpacking talking on your back patio till 1 am in the dark...all i can say to you now is bravo. no, you're right, you're not cured. sometimes i think you never really are cured from a pivotal relationship...but maybe thats the beauty of it...would you really want to be over her in such a short time? Suprisingly ( or not) i do agree with you on the god concept. I believe things happen for a reason...not that things are predetermined, not that someone or something is dictating all of our actions, but just that if we live a purpose driven life, things all end up in the end...the question is just where..how...what the destination is. Sometimes it just takes longer to figure out what you're supposed to get out of the experience. Maybe thats just the peace i make with a life that is far to lonely and empty and spiritual and amazing and vital and interactive...that we are meant to be doing what we are doing. As for being happy with yourself, if thats true, bravo. Even just stating so is a step in the right direction...having that be somewhere on your radar, on your consciousness...Life is an act of making peace...with yourself, with the world, whatever, just as long as you dont concede and give up too much in the process. Remember, just because you're diving off in a new direction very soon doesn't mean you have to give up what you have here...(yea i know...haha coming from me, but hear me out). Too many times I've burned my bridges, just assuming that whomever was important to me would make the effort to stick by me...well guess what, when you take that attitude, the only person who looses is you. There is no need to resign yourself and be cut off unless you want to. Trust me on that one...
Saturday, February 18, 2006
Give it to me.
You want a kick in the ass?
Here it is. This is all you're getting.
Fuck you. Fuck you for making me loose sleep over you. Fuck you for making me cry. I feel like I'm in fucking 8th grade. Fuck me for still worrying about you. Fuck life for being hard. And beautiful. Fuck passive agressiveness. Fuck me for not knowing what to do.
Fuck my phone for not ringing.
Here it is. This is all you're getting.
Fuck you. Fuck you for making me loose sleep over you. Fuck you for making me cry. I feel like I'm in fucking 8th grade. Fuck me for still worrying about you. Fuck life for being hard. And beautiful. Fuck passive agressiveness. Fuck me for not knowing what to do.
Fuck my phone for not ringing.
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
AHAHAHAHAH. Its funny 'cause its true.
| |
excellent. thats the one.
peggy -- [noun]: A beat poet working the streets 'How will you be defined in the dictionary?' at QuizGalaxy.com |
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