Wants and Needs

Saturday night and I just couldn't bear wasting another evening. Instead I am stewing and sipping hot cider at that coffee place across from Walmart. I was up and out early today for some yoga, but fell back asleep as soon as I got back after sunrise. A good long talk on the phone with Chris, dinner, a shower, and there went another afternoon, whiled.

I'm here tonight because I need more order in these off-shift days. I need to figure out what I want and need from these jumbled days, and I need to be honest and methodical about how to go and get there.

So here it is, wellness Open Sky style:

Body:
physical exercise besides yoga 2x weekly
cook real meal on stove at least 2x weekly
take supplements regularly
see acupuncturist at least 1x monthly
shower at least every other day
get dressed well at least 4x weekly
lotion
clean bathroom at least 1 x monthly
leave floor clean before leaving for work
spend at least one hour outside at least 2 x weekly

Mind:
read books at least 3 x weekly
find and attend at least one concert/lecture/gathering of smart people weekly
watch at least 1 new movie a month
finish altar collage by january
pay off credit card by january
pay Mom debt at least 1 x every other month

Heart:
find and see shrink 1x monthly
locate volunteer opportunity and serve at least 5 hours monthly
journal at least 2 x weekly
speak with family at least 2 x weekly
write at least 1 poem per month
write at least 1 letter per month
leave house daily, even if just to walk Gilbert

Soul:
yoga at least 4 x weekly
meditate at least 4 x weekly
UU church at least 1 x month
locate music by january

So let it be so...

Las Mariposas

I'm finding this off shift that the better I am at my job, the harder it is to really leave work in the field. This past shift I was so much more successful at making connections and building rapport with the girls (and other staff, for that matter), and fortunately/unfortunately I am struggling a bit to disengage.

Lately while meditating, I've been imagining my thoughts as swarms of butterflies, flitting around my face distracting me from my real work. Every time I catch myself thinking, I imagine the butterflies and envision them flying out the window on a command updraft, then return to my breathing and the task at hand. Every time I've noticed myself thinking about the girls lately, I force myself to push the butterflies back out the window--sort of a waking reminder, an ebbing and retreat of the tide.

It's sunny, blue, and cold again today, with just a hint of Wednesday's snow dusting still lingering on the hills and canyons outside of town. I am musing at the Steaming Bean, watching cowboys in Chuck Taylors' stroll by, and doing my damnedest not to think about anything significant. I am indulging in my first cup of coffee in maybe a month, which is only stoking my apprehension for winter's coming, the end of my apprenticeship, and a bit of homesickness for the rain forest and that past northern existence. It smells like pine suddenly today, and tourists in sunglasses and shirt sleeves seem strictly absurd.

I'm chaffing a bit at my lack of routine, I think. My stomach is a bit unsettled, that nervous energy that usually goes with riding a bus in a new and unfamiliar city with no knowledge of either where I'm going or the cultural custom required to exit the vehicle. Its a bit disheartening to be skating on the surface of this town. I want so badly to break through, to make some connection to something or someone that will hold fast to me here. The rest is a bit, well, lonely. Except that I dont do lonely, really. I feel no loss for people, only places and ties and that fleeing sense of acceptance and belonging that I both love and loath.

It is somewhat of that same battle that I fought all of last year while working weekends for College Outdoors. I love the visceral feelings in my body while working, how complete and present I feel in the woods. For whatever reaon I am still feeling that hard to hold on to in real city inside life. I'm closer to integrating both mes than ever before, but the process of doing so is quite alienating and discombobulating. While walking in concrete I am at a monumental loss for words.

I feel tightness in my stomach and stress in my shoulderblades. My stomach and legs feel itchy and scaley. I am warm, and my left foot is trying to go to sleep on me. Mentally I feel lubricated, like there is so much more that must be said, yet no words to express. Emotionally I feel a bit wistful. I have some anxiety and some longing that is making me want to clench my fists and paste my eyes shut tight. My soul is elsewhere, sitting on some highup overlook dreaming of water and clear skies.

Confessions of the Evening

I am secretly more excited to be back from the field tonight to shower, throw on sweats, and lie in my bed watching last week's episode of Grey's Anatomy than I am to get caught up on the news...

I have secret cravings to crunch maniacly on crypto while working in the desert...

I sneak chocolate from my food bag regularly during meals when I think no students will notice...

I miss the northwest a bit...but not as much as I feared I might...

I'm afraid of winter coming on...

Election Day

That big day in November and that other world seems very far away right now. It's Tuesday afternoon at base and the wind is howling something fierce (as usual) while the girls are doing chores. I am both pretty exuberant and fairly drained. I didn't really take any time for myself while we were on solos, which in retrospect was a mistake. I found myself sitting in group last night not really retaining anything that was being said. I fell asleep before Martha had finished singing the girls a lullaby. Solos were pretty mellow, actually. It made me want to do one of my own. Each of the girls were so totally different while they were out there by themselves. The loudest most gregarious ones would appear almost sad and withdrawn when we checked on them. The quiet ones were totally in their element off by themselves away from our daily chaos. It was nice just to kick it with the guides and with the field managers as well, but it made for a very strange feeling week. There hasn't been a lot of time to really hang with many of the students, not even my mentee student after pushing so hard to take on mentor responsibilities.

Plus I'm probably dehydrated. And haven't wagged yet today, which is making me feel altogether giddy and not myself...

Finally took that break. Its dusk now and I'm hanging out up by the trailer in their hammock, watching some crazy sky. Its been blowing pretty hard all day, the temperature dropped maybe 10 degrees , and without sounding too cliched there is definitely change in the air.

I'm lying here trying to think of what this week was meant to teach me. I keep flashing on moments, but so far no particular overarching message comes to mind. There have been glimmers which leave me amazed and curious that this is actually my job, like how did I come to be in this moment in time. I take that as a very good sign of being comfortable, allowing myself to accept that I'm really here, and to settle a bit further and deeper emotionally. I think maybe this week was meant to show me the power of intention. I left the field last shift fairly frustrated with myself, mostly because I left feeling sort of impotent. I knew there was so much more that I could do and offer and take on. I came in this week knowing that I wanted to step up and take on more, to take more initiative in order to feel good about my work. And I really have...

Four hours later Obama is our new president. Its snowing pretty good, and so cold my fingertips hurt sitting up writing this. Everything seems downright surreal, and the thunder snow continues outside adding an eery layer of disbelief.

Snapshots I'll take away from this week: sitting on the edge of Avatar point on Halloween night with the new girl Sarah in the dark and actually getting somewhere talking. Several incredible psychadellic sunsets and sunrises. Thundersnow. When Caren called out on solos, and the three of us took off at full speed, total adrenaline. Maybe perhaps getting through to her about productive uses of anger. Leading my first two groups ever here. Feeling included in staff groups. Being asked by students for help. Getting my period twice in three weeks (damned healthy food). Busting up a storm with David and Derek, and getting significantly closer to flame. Cassie smiling at me. Marie crying about aftercare. Learning what it feels like to be manipulated by a student. Learning what it feels like to be unwittingly dehydrated and drained. Being a bit revulsed to have to tarp a student. Freaking myself out over skinwalkers. 120 killerpillers. Duststorms and dragons. Feeling like I belong out here...

Suddenly I'm Torn

Back tonight at Avatar Point watching the sun go down towards the Chuzcas, not quite making it before the horizon wins out. I love this site but am finding it makes me homesick for the ocean. I think it is by virtue of unobstructed horizon line panorama, looking down and out on the flat plane that takes my brain there.

Off this first evening of expedition, and I'm finding this week way more to my likings than last shift. I feel much more at home and closer to falling into a routine on the job. I hadn't entirely realized how being cold and not sleeping well affected me throughout that first week. Its a good deal warmer this week so far than last shift for sure, but the additional warm layer, winter sleeping bag, and pants with a crapton of pockets (hell yes JCPenny husky boys section) make life a whole lot easier to deal with. My new thermarest and super cush -5 degree sleeping bag make going to bed a bit of a joy and getting up for sunrise way less of a dread.

Theres an oil drum jam session going off somewhere close by and I keep loosing my mind adrift somewhere in juniper and pinon below. Its cloudy today, kind of muted and disconcerting. I can barely imagine this high desert in the rain, a strange juxtoposition of alien forces and not quite natural consequences.

I'm feeling very torn this week, for a lot of different reasons and from many different directions. First off I guess would have to be Dave. He finally got in touch Tuesday evening, and I finally forced myself to listen, hopefully in a more detached manner than I've been able to before. Talking to him made me angry, but different than it has in the past. He's doing better, not so depressed, but off medication and back on pot again so as to not demonized and alienate himself. I am pissed at him because it seems like such a ridiculous propostion--drink and smoke to be less depressed--but I think I understand where he is coming from. But for the first time, I'm not angry with myself about it all. I was proud that I was able to clearly explain to him why I was angry, how enmeshed I feel in his issues, and how much countertransferance I put on him, how much guilt I feel every time he goes down hill. I want to know more about countertransferance and co-dependency, like pathologically. Dave is definitly my model for it, but he's only one exaple of many, one relationship among dozens where I take too much responsibility and begin to personally manifest other peoples' experience and emotions. Empathy is a gift, but for some reason my compassion impulse goes on overdrive and is poorly controlled. I remember at 10 thinking my Dad got cancer instead of me, and feeling deeply at fault. Or at 13, lying awake all night for months because I thought Charlie could sense that I was awake and thus not kill himself because of that connection. Dave is just the lastest in that chain, and I want to know why and wherefrom.

I am feeling torn this week in the field physically due to the separation of two students from the group. We have Caren on directions (sort of an extended time-out) for the duration of the shift probably, and than Sarah just arrived new night before last still on Gateway. I'm finding it hard to speak only minimally to both of them, when I really want to nurture and make everything all better. I also feel fairly manipulated by Caren--I want to believe and trust her, but I know that I cannot at this time. I fear she is trying to use me, to take advantage of my ignorance to get away with things of which I'm not yet aware. We had a couple of good talks about why she's being punished and her anger, where I really tried not to take sides at all and just listen. I fear now that she takes me as an ally over the rest of the group and staff with which she still feels fairly conflicted. Particularly I feel used over first-aid priveleges. I'm in charge of basics this week and she is using my compassion and commitment as a cry for attention rather perpetually. I'm uncomfortable still not being able to fully trust the students, a feeling I'm still processing. But in the mean time I feel quite torn.

I'm also running into some internal conflict about being relazed and building rapport and wanting to be better on boundaries and rules with the students. This came up a lot last summer, and I know I feel better when I am more lax, but stuff also starts to happen when I'm not totally on top of things 100%. I am torn here in this setting because of the constant give and take from the rapport bank. I want them to like me and trust me, but those boundaries are so crucial to the girls' development...I haven't been here long enough to know where the balance point is yet. I fear being taken advantage of or being seen as weak if I don't enforce the rules that I see all the more because I'm new and the students don't know me well enough yet.

Torn, and pulled in so many directions, as I said.

We're laying over tonight for Halloween (!). Then tommorow and Sunday we put the girls out on solos, which they are not going to dig at all. We'll head back to base early Monday, then commences all of the turnover chaos. It seems so weird to me that this may be my last shift with some of these girls, either because they might move me next week, or because some might have gradded by then. Days with these girls really aare like weeks in terms of the experiences and connections you make here on fast forward. I will be happy to see them move on, but will think about them all often as my very first students out here.

Holy Wholy

Still off this morning, watching an unfortunate set of clouds roll in. At least if it starts to pour, the next two nights are at base in the wall tent, not under my wholey tarp. My shelters are getting better, but the top tarp is pretty shredded from walking through one too many junipers on training. A big storm is gonna happen sooner or later, and I'd almost rather get it over and done with.

I wonder how it will be like for me, looking back on this week months and years from now. I remember my first trip at Birch Trail so vividly, how it felt in every inch of my body to finally be doing what I knew I should be doing. It terrified me to be completely and totally out there, to have this dream and risk everything in pursuit of that curiousity. Most of all it scared me to throw myself into this work and chance learning that I wasn't good at it, that the dream wasn't meant to be. I felt a bit like that on training, particularly when things were so difficult and I wondered (they did too apparently) whether they would approve of me or whether I'd have to start all over again. I have these two simaltaneous instincts. One, if I'm not naturally gifted at something that it must not be for me and I shouldn't even bother. The other leans the opposite direction, that I just naturally havet o work three times as hard as most people to succeed at the things I am passionate about, and I should just accept and acknowledge that fact. This week has been a new and different mixture of both tendancies. There have been some parts where I've felt just called to this job, liking pushing Cassie up that last hill, or coaching Kris with her letter. There have been some parts where I know I'll have to put the work and the hours in, like confrontations and group management. And there have been a lot of moments where its been neither a total loss or complete victory, where I feel pretty OK simply taking things as it comes and learning as much or as little as I need as I go along.

As much as I've been asked lately, I still don't have a good answer to why I'm here. Wanting to do this work has been such a constant in my life for at least four years. Its hard to go back and parse the inspiration. I wanted this even before I knew how vital it would be for me. I wanted wilderness before I needed it like oxygen or blood. I'm here because even in my darkest moments I could find a bit of peace outdoors. I'm here becasue I wish someone would have had the awareness and the guts to send me to a place like this at 17. I came here because I know so well some of the experiences of these girls, and what profound impact small moments can make. I guess in as few and as clear words as possible I'm here because I know personally the effect wild places can have on wellness, I've seen the change in others, I've read about it in countless books and journals, and I believe spiritually that there are forces out here working on all of us that are more powerful than any intervention I can offer. I believe in wilderness personally, experientially, academically, and spiritually, a belief so strong that I must do my part to make it happen. I am the best of myself out here. I've come, yes, in part selfishly, because I want to continue to see those shining pieces of myself on a more regular basis. But I've come also with empathy and service and curiousity--I want to see the best parts of these girls out here as well.

I have that hint of winter depression in the back of my mind, poking at me discretely every time I notice the date on the calendar. I can't even wonder again whether this year will be different, I cant allow any of my energy to go down that path. Its really not even worth the temptation of believing I'm cured, though no doubt the perpetual sunshine and wellness in which this job surrounds me will do wonders. The temptation leads to a laying down of all my armor and a weakening of my resolve. Being well takes all of my will and none of my imagination. This means getting back on the supplements, and back on the personal time agenda, and getting used to talking to strangers in this new life in which I find myself. I know the battle plan, I know the fortifications, I just need to prepare myself physically mentally emotionally and spiritually for a return to war. The summer armistice is over. I hope being in this environment, atleast half time, where wellness is so ingrained in everything we do, that I can find the support and enough reminders to force myself to do what I need to do...

Personal Time

Laying over today was just...excessively pleasant. Thats the best way to describe it. I woke dripping, literally, burrito-d in our make shift tarp bivys from line sleeping last night. Martha and I sat around drinking mormon tea till sunrise, blinding and psychadellic over the La Platas. Nate showed up a bit later, and we ate chocolate, dissected the previous day, and gave midweek feedback to each other. I found both the giving and receiving of feedback today uncharacteristically hard. I got some great stuff from everyone, though not as constructive as I would have liked. They both commented on my comfort in the outdoors, which made me smile inside, and also my tone, though as a positive. Giving feedback was particularly challenging because I've known these people a grand total of five days and am so new at the job myself, like far be it from me to give them any criticism.

For myself, I need to figure out how to stay warm. Its only October and early mornings I'm already shivering in all the layers I brought with me. I need to have a better handle on tone and sarcasm. I need to sleep better in the field because I can already tell I'm wearing thin. I need to get better at reading the group, and knowing how to motivate without pushing puttons that I don't want to push. I need to get used to not fixing everything, and sitting back and watching things unfold as they may. I need to watch the self deprication, because it sets a harsh precident. I need to get over myself and realize that I'm never going to feel like I have the right things to say.

Today was also a big day for me in the therapy side of things. We had Kris' responsibility letter group after breakfast. It was sort of a first good look at the structure of this place. Her letter is her chance to own up to anything and everything that she feels she has done, wrong or right. It was fascinating to watch the other girls dissect her project and process. They really did most of the work for themselves. I felt like I had a lot to contribute as well, which is still surprising me. I also had a good talk with Marie afterwards, about how it feels to be surrounded by so many people who are so proud of their sobriety. She let me sit in on her check in with Martha as well, which was pretty profound. I am feeling like I'm standing on solid ground more and more lately.

We spend the afternoon carving on fire sets, sitting idly, and whittling in the sun. All and all, a pretty idyllic way to spend a work day. Tommorow a psychologist is coming to do meds for three of the girls, then we're heading to base in the evening. To the best of my knowledge Tuesdays at base are chores and catch-up, then changover on Wednesday.

Weird. This week is going much quicker than I expected.