Friday, April 27, 2007

Crunch Time

I am stuck in this madness of tangled glances and looks that should have been said, and words that should have been glimpsed and I just can't shake that horrible notion that no one is really speaking silences and the quiet is deafening. Sooner or later all of this is going to catch up with me, all the layers of not quite knowing and fearing caring, oh trust me, I know. Sooner or later, which ever comes first, my thick skin or my oh so keen ability to be completely and totally vulnerable at all the wrong moments.

I am tired of hurting.

For posteriety: The Dead List 2007
Dead:
Spanish Presentation.
Um...yea

Dying:
20 page qual paper, well, kinda
Field Notes from Catholic
Moodle

Not even near close:
Qual portfolio
Final Prospectus
Theory presentation
Theory 12 page take home final
The whole, you know, rehab thing.

I'm...spent.

My nonchalence is only tempered by the motrin haze.

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

I finally get it

Do you remember that night
When we,
wrapped in the adolescent glow of
inconsistency and rage and conviction and
passion
when we wound away the hours on that
rock pacing
wearing down the earth with our
feet and curiousity and
you said that you couldn't take it anymore.
that the moonlight was too distracting, batting
you in the eyelids and
pouncing but
still so far off.
I laughed half way, trying
only desparately to make you believe I
knew,
but I didn't.
We sat with you that evening, crawled
over windwrecked raging
evening night not yet morn
Watching stars nose over the horizon.
Sat and listened, we
breathed hoping
it was enough but
you said the waves wouldn't go
as quick as your heart beat.
You stood tiptoed, peered
over the edge into the salty abyss,
said you wanted to jump, that
the moon was too distracting,
that you could not just could not
be still.
I smiled half way, thinking you
were poetic,
poignant
empassioned.
but I didn't get it.
Tonight as my toes are wishing to
wander, and my fingers just
cant quite keep the discipline of
tracing the pages in front of me and
I am wishing I had a net to reign
myself in with. Tonight I still
hear waves crashing unabashedly,
and wonder why they won't
follow the tempo heart beats.
Tonight I cannot slow the
turning swiftly of the earth, and
suddenly
the moonlight is too distracting.