Monday Again

Monday again, and I'm wondering what I have to show for it. I'm learning that for me to feel recharged by the time I head back to work its not enough just to not do stressful things. I have to also do be proactive about doing relaxing things. Last off shift was such a binge of self-care happy fun time though, I think anything smaller just pales in comparison. I have baked a lot, and slept a crap-ton, but mostly I've just procratinated and watched a lot of bad TV. I am stressing preemptively about moving again, in less than a month, which seemed like a long time until I factored in the whole work week schedule thing. So in theory I am moving in about twelve days.

I'm wondering about underscoring my feminine this coming week, how to do so, and what it would look like. Not feminine in the fro-frou frilly sense, but more in the extra compassionate softer sense. The part that can love 'em up without feeling guilty, that can hold boundaries compassionately, as Alex likes to say. I'm trying to figure out how I show compassion, how I can demonstrate that softer side.

Villian-ess

I don't think I like being the new supervillian. It's bringing up a lot of my need and perpetual desire to be liked and for there not to be tension. And my propensity for conflict avoidance like hardcore. I want to just immediatly go and do whatever I can and whatever I need to so that Trace and Karla aren't pissed at me. It makes me second guess my choices and my actions, like maybe they're on to something, like I have wronged them by challenging them, though I know thats the insecurities talking. I need to just sit with being uncomfortable, sit with knowing their is tension and conflict without running to make it all go away.

The last night in the field, and even with everything thats gone down, I'm feeling pretty good. Capable, confident, calm even. New home girl got delayed (slash went pyscho in Denver and wasn't permitted past security in the airport) so we are suddenly shooting to move again in the morning, and meet her halfway through the day. Hopefully at Cheer Up already, even. I'm tired, but not almost dysfunctional wasted tired. I'm excited to be headed home tommorow, but not completely possessed by the thought or weighed down by the process of getting from here to there. I feel more in control over my emotions and responses than I have in the field in the past, which is remarkable given what day it is. I feel rejuvenated and excited too, about the prospects of building a working relationship with Emily D, after a couple of quick chats in the last few days. She saw me in top form today, both working with Andi in a joint session, and then taking and reflecting feedback from students and doing art in a group. I'm looking forward to meeting with her to finally finish my pathway stuff on Thursday, instead of dreading it.

It occured to me yesteday at somepoint, how rarely I feel truely calm and serene. It amazes me sometimes how much of my life is/has been run around being anxious and not realizing. It is hard for me even to pin down the physical feeling attached to calm, foreign enough that I have to think hard to match body to heart. I feel sad and a little bit disappointed and regrettful thinking about how much time and good energy I devoted to feeling frenetic and unbalanced, how much my anxieties and insecurities painted so many potentially meaningful scenes. And curious to see if I can call up some inner stillness in the future, on shift and off. Or how to do so, I suppose, more than anything.

So Much Drama

Shortly, because it's late and I am suddenly drained. Karla took of this evening, right about when I got back from break. My heart and head are still spinning. Alex and I chased her, sort of, 'till Heather and Chris the FM showed up. I feel scattered and shaken and anxious. Nervous and uncertain about how to approach her now. Like I failed somehow. My body and heart feel heavy. Anxiety is creeping in to take the place of this evening's adrenaline rush. And we've got a new homegirl coming in late tommorow night on a high suicide watch...

Bohdi is drumming late into the evening, and I kind of wonder whether they have this much drama...

Light on the Outside, Still on the Inside

They tell me springtime in the desert means wind like crazy. Right now the air is so thick with dust and sand that the blue sky above has taken on a grey brown haze like a curtain two miles out. It is warm but the incessent bowling breeze tricks me into thinking its month colder than it wants to be.



It's been a stupid giddy couple of days, in the best possible way. I'm sitting in the sunshine outside of the staff tent drinking hot chocolate. I feel warm and accomplished in one of those moods where I could sit and stare and sip my tea for hours on end and feel entirely content. My body is feeling stretched and worn out. My upper back is tight, and my face is hot. I feel like I've been slouching for too many days ina row, probably the case. My mind is slowing, not nearly so frenetic as the past couple of days. My heart is opening and so very content to be knee deep in this experience. I feel accomplished in my heart and proud of the work I've done this week, and the work I've helped to facilitate. My heart feels endless and boundless and infinitely wise. My soul feels present, like some sort of flamboyant parrot just chilling on my shoulder, taking it all in stride.



I can hear Avatar rocking out on the wind, and bits and pieces of so many conversations floating from so many directions. I feel so happy and proud to be a part of this crazy scene right now, and so committed to making the small and crucial inroads in so many lives. This is what its about for me, even when the weather is shitty and I'm exhausted and somebody is screaming about hating me and wanting to die. I will one day hear the flapping of prayer flags, so many layers of them, in my dreams. I will step beyond my insecurities and anxiety and know without question that I am good and this work is good and that I can connect to the small flame of goodness in all of us without getting lost in my head or my shortcomings.



I'm proud of myself so far this week for so much. I've brought a lot of light energy, of fun ridiculousness without going overboard and without getting angry and frusterated first. I'm proud of myself for bringing concerns to Alex appropriately, not just convincing myself that they were invalid and just a matter of me being uncomfortable and insecure. I'm proud I didn't stuff it in and let my frusterations fester before getting angry enough to snap. I'm proud of the work I did both with Andi and Karla this week. I'm really happy that I didn't get intimidated by Karla's isolation or moods or vocalizing her desires to hurt herself. I'm so stoked to have actually stuck to my goal of listening more than speaking, and to have seen it pay off big time with the both of them. I'm proud that I trusted the program this week, shut my mouth, and did my best to stay out of it. Low and behold, every time I had some burning desire to say something or contribute something and decided to sit with it for a while longer, some student managed to come forward and make the point way better and more impactful than I ever could have.

My two biggest goals for the week were to be light on the outside and still on the inside, and to make art. I think I've done a pretty good job with both so far. Light and still look like calm and playful and fun externally, while remaining grounded, balanced, focused, and serene I guess internally. I haven't really gone to that frenetic angsty place yet this shift, it's been nice and way more relaxing. And more fun. The ridiculousness with out all the work in between I guess. Mandatory happy funtime, and Kara being her fabulous self really helped too. As did art, and the perpetual fear of coming off shift feeling as emotionally worked as I did last week. That and my crayons. I think they did the girls more good than me, which is totally fine. I am finding the drawing and coloring sort of calming. More than calming, I am appreciating the release, and the different sort of processing required to put shape and color to feelings. More, "What would this look like," rather than "what would this mean?". So much less taxing.

Brink

Cottonwoods are creepy. The long end to a very long day and I am trying to fathom the back hike about tho happen to get out of this canyon and find water. My body hurts, my knees are throbbing. My mind is racing and so far past impatient the word seems far from adequate. My heart is impatient and close to the surface. I feel that in my body like bile rising quickly in my throat, a tightness in my chest, the tea pot close to boiling over. My soul is antsy and refusing to settle into my body.

I think secretely I enjoy the falling close to the brink, freaking out a wee bit then drawing back from the precipice. I particularly enjoy in a sick kind of way getting super frusterated and pissed off, then tipping over into that magical realm of ridiculousness and pure giddy abandon. Like tonight, when faced with no choice but the reality that I had to rally somehow, adrenaline I guess kicked in with the exhaustion. I got wicked silly, and things were somehow OK again. I'm grateful for that last unseen and unexpected pool of energy and the good mood adrenaline and endorphins managed to smack me into.

Union

I finally felt that glimpse of union this morning, the spontaneous rising and exhalation doing yoga at sunrise. Like my uprised palm could actually pull in some of the energy peeking over the eastern horizon. And my quaking muscles some how called out for all the awareness and intention and courage that I've been craving. I am so on when I step paying attention and start just listening, being. And yet the pause required, that intermediate breath required to wipe clean the state also raises all my walls of inadquacy and insecuirty. I want big broad unafraid sweeps of color and fire and torrents of words to pour forth, and instead I am mired in tepid streams and strains of muted blues and golds, which creep around corners eyes first.

I seem to be holding my breath.

Thundersnow, Again.

It thunder-snowed for a while on us this morning, while coming down from Shangri La. In the moment it kind of pissed me off, with a deep sort of foreboding. We were lost, sort of, one canyon up from where we expected to be. I was feeling pretty rundown, and failing miserably at engaging the new girl, Karla, in any sort of conversation. But in retrospect, thunder snow is...awesome and humbling and really kind of epic.

I'm feeling almost lonely tonight. Closer to homesick than lonely, I don't quite yet have a good word for it. I can feel almost physically my insecurities sneaking back into regular conversation, triggered in part by watching Alex and Kara staff up together without me a couple of times. I'm sure all kind of innocuously, but it always just freaks me out a little bit, like they are talking about me oh my god they must not trust me they don't respect me I'm doing a poor job. I acknowledge the absurdity of the thought process, and am at least acting out less in response to it. Feedback days always put me a little on edge to begin with, and particularly today the slow realization that this is day 8 for me, with another three left to go puts me more vulnerable to down talking myself than normal, or than I'd like to be.

Good lord I am going to have to pee like crazy shortly. I just made a thermos full of hot chocolate (and some cappuccino powder mixed in...fuck) that while exceptionally calming I have a sickening suspicion might keep me up for a while. I've been sleeping really well this shift, like often entirely through the night instead of waking up every coupe of hours. Its been a really nice change of pace, and I'm sure no small part of why I have been so positive and had so much energy lately, compared to past shifts.

It's frosting. It feels like forever since its been cold enough to frost out here. Utah in the springtime is officially weird. We go from warm enough for lizards and tee shirts to snow and frost in like a day and a half. Awesome.

I had an interesting conversation with Nadine this afternoon. I kind of wasn't banking on it actually going anywhere, given here propensity to brush things off. Then suddenly later on when we were doing dinner and an intro group for Karla, she described her challenges here as building a better relationship with herself, so she can have better relationships with others. It was sort of a sha bam kind of moment, either that or she was just parroting what she thinks I want to hear...I had asked her straight up what she's doing here, after reading her 2 page paper thing about when she was at her best all around how her life was on the up before she came here and being here is a big miscommunication with her parents. Getting along with others and being way hard on everyone and herself was sort of the answer we came to, but I didn't expect to hear it from her mouth so openly. It was a cool moment for me, to feel like a one-on-one actually went somewhere useful.

Tonight my body feels hunched and bent. My left foot is asleep and I'm finally starting to feel the chill in my legs and across the back of my neck. My tongue is leathery and burned. My neck and upper back are tight. My mind is antsy and quick, going in no particular direction. My hear is heavy tired, not heavy sad. My heart is longing and confused what for. My heart is tranquil a bit, and already a bit anxious about whatever is coming next. My soul feels a bit placid, hanging out on the edges just taking it all in.

Hapy Clam Sesh

Breaking tonight after a particularly draining day from Little Easy up to Shangri La, where Cleopatra is again pioneering, the first Open Sky kids to every grace this patch of crypto. It was a head draining experience to be walking sweep all day behind Andi and Trace bitching incessantly about damn near everything. They started to really drag me down after a while, then all of a sudden I'm like hey wait a minute--I've got centering skills too.

The crazy thing was where my head then went. I tried just blocking them out for awhile. Then I tried imagining calming things, like the ebb and flow of the ocean. Then I just started imagining things that made me giggle, that's when things really got interesting.I think the first thing that flashed through my mind was Dad dancing like an elephant. The next thing unfortunately was Jack, just pissed me off more for awhile. Then I settled on Charlie doing his happy clam thing for a while, which got me up most of the last side canyon (there were several). Then we hit the road for a couple more burly uphills, and thankfully I got some of the ladies singing ridiculously, and we were almost good.

Then we actually made camp on top at Shangri La, and the simmering tension finally came to boil in an actually awesome and fairly appropriate kind of way. Christy laid it all out there straight up and just asked to the group why they're all negative towards Alex. We finally had an open and relatively honest conversation and I was stoked. I couldn't have staged it better if I tried, and I've been plotting for days how to facilitate the discussion. I love it and rarely trust wilderness to work, and when it does in such a vivid and straight forward way its really exiciting for me.

The one thing I said today that I'd really like to take back was from our discussion actually. I said that if you can't say whats on your mind in this safe space here where we are paid to listen to you, how on earth are you ever going to do so in the real world. I wish I hadn't said the part about being paid to listen, true or not. It came of I think as excessively callous, and was pretty unnecessary. I wish I hadn't got into it at all today with Trace either. I hadn't realized how basically oppositional she can be, and that she was in a foul mood to begin with. Every little thing I asked of her was than a huge struggle, and I got wrapped up in wanting the last world before I realized what was going on.

I'm really proud of myself today for not getting bogged down in a bad mood, still feeling sick-ish, and generally low energy. It was really cool to see Olivia get excited about leading a hike and to actually hear her voice for really the first time. And to see Christy stick her neck out and start calling people out on their shit. Even Nadine I sense is getting down near scraping bottom, and to see her have to draw on reserves she didn't know she had was sort of the perfect end to a rough afternoon. I'm proud that I didn't let the negative energy totally take control, and managed to rise above.

My body is cold, my upper back is sore, and my stomach feels a little queasy. My big toes hurt from the cold and not yet fresh dry socks. All the scrapes on my hands and fingers sting a little, and my chest is heavy from coughing. My mind is calm. My heart feels excited and tired and a bit giddy. My soul feels a bit distant. Not quite absent, just far from grounded in my body.

Ghosts

I can't get over how weird it is to be seeing my own footprints in the sand. I'm off this morning, sitting into the wind and remembering all the ghosts of students gone before at this site. And remembering me before at this site, which is almost as weird. I'm leading that same hike down to Little Easy in a bit, which was my first hike I lead on my first expedition in October. The one where I fell of the end of the point, and where we ended up in that sweet side canyon that looked like Seaworld. So bizzare.

I'm trying to check in with myself and not getting very far. My body is cold, particularly my big toes. My face is still tingling from the GABA. My mouth tastes like paper from all the snot dripping down my throat. The tops of the insides of my thighs feel raw. My quadriceps are tight and a little sore. I'm hungry. My mind is moving slowly and also quite quickly. My mind is moving slowly but my heart is apprehensive about leading this hike again, and trying to tell my mind to move quickly. My heart is also feeling excited to be getting to know new people, and to see three students transition today. And curious to watch how the girls continue to develop and work with each other and a new student through the rest of the week. My soul is feeling a lot of gratitude for this beautiful place in which we find ourselves, looking out over the canyons and mesas and mountains still snow-capped.

Breakfast time. Man I need to meditate. Or take a nap. But probably meditate...

Medicine

I got a bit of my own medicine today, it was kind of perfect actually. A bunch of the girls had been hardcore bad triangulating about my staff team Monday night, before the new staff showed up. They had some pretty strong words and feedback, which they refuse to share. Then all day long everything we do, they have some little snide comment directed passively towards us. It was really hard to watch. It made me feel stuck in the middle, awkward and uncomfortable, just like me trash talking other folk does for all who have to listen to me. It sucked.

Back bivying at Avatar Point tonight, trying to stay out of the wind. Headed maybe to Little Easy tomorrow down in Squaw, but we'll see. We have a new girl suddenly on Saturday, so the whole plan will probably change. I made Nadine cry this morning, while she was telling me about her boyfriend beating the shit out of her regularly. It was a pretty intense conversation...in the best kind of way.

Last Page

Today and the ending of this book feel like the start of another season. There is green where I haven't seen green in a while, and red and blue and gold. I feel the turning of the circle this morning, and very much the return of light. It seems just a little awkward to be so grounded in this present out here after putting on such a shitshow back in Durango for the last couple of weeks. I'm a bit apprehensive about encountering Ellen and Emily out here in a few days after the performance I put on for them this week. All I can say is I'm human and I'm trying and I do almost as much work out here as my students do. I think thats always my greatest asset out here--my ability to learn from my experience and move forward.

This has been such a monolythic and memorable five months of my life it almost seems a bit absurd to try and pull it closed in half an arbitrary page. I remember driving in and seeing the tips of the Rockies for the very first time from halfway across Kansas. I remember being homeless and my first Durango snowfall. I remember the aspens changing, carpooling, and the hot desert breath on the back of my neck. I remember holidays celebrated far from home but far more soulfully than many I've experienced in quite a while. I remember hope and disappointment and almost heartbreak. I remember breaking through with Cris, goofing off with Marie, having that first conversation with Sara off Avatar point, watching Amy come around on that beautiful hellish nighthike to the Big Easy under the almost full moon. I will remember sparing with Kate, being struck dumb by the strength of Vanessa's will and laughing with this new crew. I will remember the sunsets in mid-winter, the panic darkness brings, and the joy of the almost unexpected sunrise the next morning. To the next sunrise, sunset, and blank page that awaits.

The Ice Flow

Five out of six girls got aftercare news today. My heart kind of breaks for them. I can't at all imagine the sinking reality of being sent away for additional years at a time. I go back and forth a lot out here about the necessity of what we're endeavoring to do--like if these parents had stood up in their kids lives and set good boundaries would they still have ended up here? These kids have been failed by so many people and things, even their own biology oftentimes...It becomes an almost chicken and egg scenario. Were they destructive before the world seemed to turn against them, or did they become that way once things got rough on them? A lot of these girls have lived way too much life for their age, then they get sent here and its like falling through ice into water. We work them back to the surface during their time here, back from the depths. Getting sent to aftercare is like then getting stuck on the ice flow, moving out to sea, you're still on the surface but marooned and drifting in a whole new universe. I believe in this work so strongly that sometimes it can be hard to relinquish any hand in the journey, and fairly excruciating to remember there are so many other players in the decisions besides from simply the wellness and well being of the student.

Magic, and Various Stages of Disarray

Its been a pretty solid day today, all around. The most magical two things that happened have to be me not getting cramps and staring my period for the first time in like forever. That, and busting my second ever fire tonight. Magic, I tell you, magic. Runner up would be packing up on time, its like this is all my job or something.

This is again such a very very different group. They are very much more ebullient than the last crew, and sort of snappish. They are quick to talk and easy to listen to. They are all in all quite funny. They are cliquish and sort of impulsive. They are engaging, and in various stages of Open Sky disarray. The energy of the group is slowly beginning to shift towards springtime energy, just like the weather.

Communication has been mostly OK so far this week. I think I've been pretty on top of it so far, and pretty vigilant about only speaking positively of people. I did two short one on ones today, and did way less talking than i have in the past. It helped to pick the two students who love most to talk...All in all a good start though I'd say. The times I have been a bit more harsh then I intended I've owned and apologized pretty quickly.

I feel different here this time out. I feel lighter, and less burdened. I feel stronger in a lot of ways. I'm excited for more than a whole extra week of face time ahead of me.

I can't believe it is March. How on earth did that happen?