Last night got real bad real quick. I struggle to even write about it, only because I'd like to keep my head out of the experience. Or keep that judging analyzing part out of it anyway.
What I know is what I experienced. Feeling tired and used up, drained before grad dinner. Talking to Heather briefly about C, her mentioning whether C reminds me of myself. Sitting down to dinner with the girls, feeling awkward and not quite successfully managing to flip the switch and turn back on. Wanting desparately to just sit each girl down and tell them exactly what their problem is, or smack them. Wanting desparately to get up and run far away. Walking up to the top of the parking lot, running into Derek and Addi on the way to the hospital, walking back down toward the meadow, feeling like a wave rising from my stomach that stalled in my throat. Walking across the burm and my vision tunelling and my heart racing. My breath speeding up, and knowing I needed to be on the ground. Lying on the far side of the burm, holding on with my fists in the dirt. Alex calling on the radio, startling me. Picking myself up, heading back towards Cleo, making it as far as the trailhead. Stopping at the bottom, feeling crazed and physically frenetic. Holding on to a juniper with two hands, bowing over heaad down. Climbing into the juniper itself, wedging my butt and torse up into the branches. Starring, overwhelmed, trying to conjure all of the saddest things I could imagine, trying to cry, looking to release some despair, feeling stopped up. Craving some company, willing Heather or anyone to come walking down the trail, then when she did feeling simaltaneously grateful and embarrassed. Talking to me, and tears finally welling up. Not wanting to look at her, feeling ashamed and totally certain. RElenting, walking and talking and loosing track of where I was. Sitting in her truck for awhile, talking and fighting to control my breathing. Another radio call, answring hesitantly, and transparently, hoping desparately to magically hide how upset I was from the timbres of my voice. Feeling selfish. Slowing down fianlly. Being annoited, and trying to talk my way out of the freak out. Hours passing in conversation, then Emily appearing, looking worried. More shame. Swallowing my pride, telling her the abbreviated story while she walked me back up to Cleo. Listening, glazed, as she tried to reassure me, and retaining approximately every third word. "I'd be worried if this DIDNT happen to you"... Alex appearing in his underwear, realizing it was way later than I'd thought. Attempting to play things off, Emily starring me down and keeping me honest. Telling Alex I'd got overwhelmed. Moving my bed off the platform, hoping nobody would realize. Laying down finally by the fire, exhausted, but not sleeping for eons. Watching the stars change color, and the sky brighten. Giving up about daybreak, getting up to stoke the fire, sitting down attempting to meditate, ending up just starring through the flames. The awkward how am I doing questions, knowing the monumental previous night and fine falling far short. Waiting for the question, wanting to be asked secretly, and not wanting the awkard explanation, being horrified and angry when they suggested that I ask to leave the field. MOre shame and embarassment. The girls waking, "Oh, Peggy's back" breaking for the morning. Meditating mostly succesfully by the grad medicine wheel, lying in the sun in shivassena pose, feeling ground again. Wanting to flee, deciding to fess up and ask. Walking back to cleo, falling into breakfast prep, natural., Wondering what I had left in me. Wondering if I could go there for another day, knowing I could suck it up physically though doubting my emotional stamina. Wondering how stoicism serves me, feeling pulled in all directions.
And that was sort of it.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Monday, April 20, 2009
So Over It
I hate tarping students. I hate Mondays at base with therapy and I hate the lethargy I feel looking at the whiteboard with so much to get done. My fantasy lately, has been just lying in my bed for like two days straight watching bad TV on my laptop and eating soup. Not even real food, soup like Progresso from a can. I think I'm rapidly reaching the end of my endurance for working through sick. I'm over it. I'm tired, tarping kids makes me sleep like crap. Particularly C, she totally puts me on edge. We put her on run watch last night after she tried to blow me off while taking her to the bathroom. Sort of an instinct more than anything else. I'm proud of following through on those instincts lately, but today and last night more repulsed by the results.
I feel blah and pissed off. I imagine I feel blah because I'm mentally drained and physically tired, which keeps my emotions from going anywhere thrilling, or very far at all. In the future I hope I can take better care of myself physically so as to more strongly experience whatever comes up emotionally. I imagine I feel pissed off because I sense I'm being manipulated and have my defenses lower than normal for being ill and tired. The particular students that I'm pissed off with or about I can't voice my frustrations to either, which makes it seem bigger and worse than it actually is. In the future I hope that I can use my anger and frustration therapeutically, and better learn to let go when I can't do so.
I feel blah and pissed off. I imagine I feel blah because I'm mentally drained and physically tired, which keeps my emotions from going anywhere thrilling, or very far at all. In the future I hope I can take better care of myself physically so as to more strongly experience whatever comes up emotionally. I imagine I feel pissed off because I sense I'm being manipulated and have my defenses lower than normal for being ill and tired. The particular students that I'm pissed off with or about I can't voice my frustrations to either, which makes it seem bigger and worse than it actually is. In the future I hope that I can use my anger and frustration therapeutically, and better learn to let go when I can't do so.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
South Style
I'm feeling frazzled and worn out. We bumped C back up to high suicide watch this afternoon on the way back to base. I'm not even involved directly this time with her, and even I feel manipulated. She seems to enjoy the whole process in some sick sort of way. It seems like shes testing us, saying that we're not taking her safety seriously enough with the modified watch and she was going to hang herself with her shelter cordage last night but she fell asleep first. It's like, "You guys don't love me enough, so I'll just go and kill myself now..." or at least thats how I took it. Pretty tiring at any rate. She seems so wrappedup in being crazy, it's almost become an identity stronger than any others for her. Any divergance, fun of any sort, n o matter how brief takes her away from that sense of self. I guess I'm triggered by the passivity, and a little annoyed to still be playing this game. She's overwhelming.
Other than that I guess its Sunday and I'm making it through. I'm having a hard time putting the work into building rapport with this new crew of kids. I've made some connection or atleast had an extended conversation with almost everyone, which I'm proud of. Staffing dynamics have been the biggest challenge for me this week, even more than just feeling physically shitty. Alex and me aren't clashing, but we are definitly not clicking, and I'm finding that hard to sit with. Chris I'm just intimidated by and want so badly to please it's tremendously off-putting. And Torrey just hasn't been around. I miss Kara's south energy a lot...
Other than that I guess its Sunday and I'm making it through. I'm having a hard time putting the work into building rapport with this new crew of kids. I've made some connection or atleast had an extended conversation with almost everyone, which I'm proud of. Staffing dynamics have been the biggest challenge for me this week, even more than just feeling physically shitty. Alex and me aren't clashing, but we are definitly not clicking, and I'm finding that hard to sit with. Chris I'm just intimidated by and want so badly to please it's tremendously off-putting. And Torrey just hasn't been around. I miss Kara's south energy a lot...
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Face-off
Lurking just downwind should not be considered a break by any means, in any form. I'm physically dragging though emotionally and spiritually buoyed. We made it up to Cougar's Crossing this afternoon in great form. I'm proud and excited to have survived my first real sitter stare-down, and had a big part in ending the stale mate. Jo got pretty close to breaking on the haul up from Old Base Camp, and threw a hissy fit at Alex. She was still on directions after a talk we had at lunch where she told me she didn't care if she rejoined the group or not and didn't give a shit what any of the girls thought and anytime she looked like she did it was all fake. And a lot of crying. I want to believe I made a connection in that moment, I figure at the very least it seemed to be authentic her, but I don't really trust that tie. She strikes me as somebody who uses people for the sake of not being used first. At any rate, after blowing up at Alex and refusing to move halfway up this pretty epic climb, when I went down and talked to her she got up. I don't know if I was the magic or not, but I was expecting to get a great big fuck you and anything more was just bonus. I'm always petrified of those decision moments when I call a student's bluff, and am constantly amazed when they don't challenge me. If I were them, I'd challenge me, and push me hard.
It's been a strange balance of weird dynamics so far this shift. Definitely different with just me and Alex, for the most part. I'm having a hard time both being supportive of him and taking more initiative for myself. There seems to be a big disconnect between those two intentions that I wasn't expecting, which kind of rattles me. I think he has a hard time stepping back and letting go of control even just a little bit. When I have taken steps to assert myself and show some confidence, he always seems to show up or step in somehow. I feel like he doesn't trust me, and that's irking me a lot. And then he mentions feeling tense around me, which I actually was pretty surprised and taken aback by. We tried to discuss it this morning, awkwardly, but just sort of talked each other into a knot. Now I sense just some simmering weirdness which I don't deserve, and don't know what to do with. I want to know as part of a team that I can be depended on just as much as I lean on others, and not sensing that makes me feel anxious, defensive, uncertain, and just a little invalidated. (There it is again, that never feeling good enough)
Should be another awkward feedback session in the morning. I'm happy the weather has shifted, we have no one on directions, we're headed back to base tomorrow, we get four staff back tonight, and can take real breaks. It's Saturday almost over the hump, I have a cold and am not totally psychosomatically ill. The sun is setting on mostly clear skies, and the next two days should be pretty mellow.
Famous last words.
My body is feeling full in the head and my nose is chapped raw. My mind is sleeping, my heart is uncertain, restrained, and ambitious. Like I've got a lot to prove. My soul is observing.
It's been a strange balance of weird dynamics so far this shift. Definitely different with just me and Alex, for the most part. I'm having a hard time both being supportive of him and taking more initiative for myself. There seems to be a big disconnect between those two intentions that I wasn't expecting, which kind of rattles me. I think he has a hard time stepping back and letting go of control even just a little bit. When I have taken steps to assert myself and show some confidence, he always seems to show up or step in somehow. I feel like he doesn't trust me, and that's irking me a lot. And then he mentions feeling tense around me, which I actually was pretty surprised and taken aback by. We tried to discuss it this morning, awkwardly, but just sort of talked each other into a knot. Now I sense just some simmering weirdness which I don't deserve, and don't know what to do with. I want to know as part of a team that I can be depended on just as much as I lean on others, and not sensing that makes me feel anxious, defensive, uncertain, and just a little invalidated. (There it is again, that never feeling good enough)
Should be another awkward feedback session in the morning. I'm happy the weather has shifted, we have no one on directions, we're headed back to base tomorrow, we get four staff back tonight, and can take real breaks. It's Saturday almost over the hump, I have a cold and am not totally psychosomatically ill. The sun is setting on mostly clear skies, and the next two days should be pretty mellow.
Famous last words.
My body is feeling full in the head and my nose is chapped raw. My mind is sleeping, my heart is uncertain, restrained, and ambitious. Like I've got a lot to prove. My soul is observing.
Friday, April 17, 2009
Here's Hoping...
Breaking, sort of, another evening at the Gallery. Alex and me plus five angry females went on a bit of a challenge day hike today, and now the wind kicked back up and he put of of the ladies on directions for sharing food. They know better, and I kind of just want to smack 'em. Two staff, one on safety watch, and two on directions is kind of an unnecessary lot. So I'm hiding in the juniper next to the kitchen eating chocolate and wishing it was more than Friday. I think I made myself sick again, unwittingly, from stress about the move and exhaustion after four shifts in. The last two days have been super foggy for me, and headachey and nausea and lightheadedness and vertigo. I'm not totally convinced its all mental, but at any rate no fun and no good for the job. I'm tired and two more shifts before a break right now seems pretty insurmountable.
Here's hoping the wind shifts and the weather breaks so the next six days are sunny and warm as promised...
Here's hoping the wind shifts and the weather breaks so the next six days are sunny and warm as promised...
Monday, April 13, 2009
The Truth, Take One
I'm angry, like proverbially, and I don't know why and where from. I'm angry with my parents for showing me that thoughts trump feelings and the only way to be is calm and collected and in control. I'm angry that my Dad told me he doesn't believe in unconditional love. I'm angry with Noah for sleeping with me even though he knew that I was piss drunk. I'm angry with my brothers and sisters for screwing up and leaving me to be the good child and the successful one in the traditional sense. I'm angry that no one listened to me when I told them I was sick and didn't want to be alive. I'm angry that I've forgotten how to write with soul. I'm angry that my mother allowed me to parent her, and made so many excuses for Dad's rage. I'm angry that he has always been so volatile, and that I see so much of myself in him. I'm angry that I can't forgive my family. I'm angry that I've made myself invisible. I'm angry with Jack for using me, and Chris for not having enough guts to love me. I'm angry with Dad for getting sick, and for telling me I had to get published and find love before he dies. I'm angry about not being trusted and not trusting myself. I'm angry that I've been an adult since grade school, and now don't know how to get loose without drugs and alcohol. I'm angry that I've chased color from my life. I'm angry that I'm so afraid, so perpetually. I'm angry at all the people who look past me unless there is something to gain from me. I'm angry that I'm so refined that I can't cry, can't drum, can't write, can't scream with wild abandon. I'm angry that there is never good enough. I'm angry that somewhere somebody told me I was fat and ugly and I believed them. I'm angry that my life is in pieces, dichotomized, and right now I miss the smart cosmopolitan parts. I'm angry that I don't know how to be nice to myself. I'm angry that I can't say no, and my boundaries are weak and easily circumvented. I'm angry that I am so often afraid.
I'm scared so much of my day that I think I've learned to ignore what it feels like. I'm scared I won't find love. I'm scared I will be found out as a fraud. I'm scared that I don't deserve to be here. I'm scared to be abandoned, and that I won't find the connections that I crave. I'm scared of the next adventure. I'm scared that I won't have enough, financially, physically, spiritually, emotionally. I'm scared of the blank page. I'm scared of not knowing, of not being able to make everything make sense. I'm scared of not having a plan or six. I'm scared when I camp by myself. I'm scared of falling short, of having nothing to say, of doing the wrong thing. I'm scared of forgetting, languages, experiences, past lives. I'm scared of displeasing. I'm scared of settling. I'm scared of being overwhelmed. I'm scared to death that one day I will wake up in the morning and not want to be alive again, and that I won't realize what has happened. I'm scared that I am not strong enough to keep myself well. I'm scared that my brother will drink himself to death before I ever really know him. I'm scared of open space that can't be filled. I'm scared of confrontation. I'm scared when I think about what will happen after Open Sky. I'm scared of limbo, being stuck and in between. I'm scared of loosing control. I'm scared of the things I can't just explain away. I'm scared to give feedback. I'm scared to show people how I feel. I'm scared to tell others that I love them, scared to get burned. I'm scared that if I don't learn I'll never get what I want.
I want wild abandon. I want color and fire and passion and boundlessness. I want adventure, and I want fearlessness. I want sunshine, and I want to be outside. I want to be part of community, I want to know where I belong and that I am part of something. I want handwritten letters and long train rides. I want to know that I am loved and that I am enough. I want to love myself and believe it. I want to be comfortable being compassionate, more than being fair and just. I want to look beyond the book. I want to know what my greater good is, and how how to ask for it. I want to wake up in the morning and be grateful. I want a love that is nurturing and genuine and challenging and comfortable and open and that I don't question. I want to be grounded, to own myself, and to know that I am doing good work for the world. I want thinner walls, so that I learn to not take everything so personally, and so that I feel safe and secure. I want to feel at home, no questions. I want to allow myself to dance, to yell, to make music that no one has ever heard before. I want to be barefoot. I want to know who I need, and who to let go of. I want to skip the head more often, and go straight to the heart. I want to grow my own food. I want to travel more, and learn from the cells outwards. I want to know that I am using myself to my utmost capacity. I want less apathy, and more excitement. I want to terrify myself so I know that I am doing the right thing. I want a plan. I want to fly by the seat of my pants. I want a dog. I want right now to be enough. I want a story to occupy me. I want to play more music unabashedly. I want better posture. I want to be giddy and ridiculous. I want to not worry about money. I want to find a way to travel, to live abroad again while making money. I want game. I want to not want. I want the stone between my heart and head to go away. I want to reach out, and have my challenge returned. I want to be inspired and inspiring. I want to embrace the next big adventure. I want to not be afraid anymore.
I'm scared so much of my day that I think I've learned to ignore what it feels like. I'm scared I won't find love. I'm scared I will be found out as a fraud. I'm scared that I don't deserve to be here. I'm scared to be abandoned, and that I won't find the connections that I crave. I'm scared of the next adventure. I'm scared that I won't have enough, financially, physically, spiritually, emotionally. I'm scared of the blank page. I'm scared of not knowing, of not being able to make everything make sense. I'm scared of not having a plan or six. I'm scared when I camp by myself. I'm scared of falling short, of having nothing to say, of doing the wrong thing. I'm scared of forgetting, languages, experiences, past lives. I'm scared of displeasing. I'm scared of settling. I'm scared of being overwhelmed. I'm scared to death that one day I will wake up in the morning and not want to be alive again, and that I won't realize what has happened. I'm scared that I am not strong enough to keep myself well. I'm scared that my brother will drink himself to death before I ever really know him. I'm scared of open space that can't be filled. I'm scared of confrontation. I'm scared when I think about what will happen after Open Sky. I'm scared of limbo, being stuck and in between. I'm scared of loosing control. I'm scared of the things I can't just explain away. I'm scared to give feedback. I'm scared to show people how I feel. I'm scared to tell others that I love them, scared to get burned. I'm scared that if I don't learn I'll never get what I want.
I want wild abandon. I want color and fire and passion and boundlessness. I want adventure, and I want fearlessness. I want sunshine, and I want to be outside. I want to be part of community, I want to know where I belong and that I am part of something. I want handwritten letters and long train rides. I want to know that I am loved and that I am enough. I want to love myself and believe it. I want to be comfortable being compassionate, more than being fair and just. I want to look beyond the book. I want to know what my greater good is, and how how to ask for it. I want to wake up in the morning and be grateful. I want a love that is nurturing and genuine and challenging and comfortable and open and that I don't question. I want to be grounded, to own myself, and to know that I am doing good work for the world. I want thinner walls, so that I learn to not take everything so personally, and so that I feel safe and secure. I want to feel at home, no questions. I want to allow myself to dance, to yell, to make music that no one has ever heard before. I want to be barefoot. I want to know who I need, and who to let go of. I want to skip the head more often, and go straight to the heart. I want to grow my own food. I want to travel more, and learn from the cells outwards. I want to know that I am using myself to my utmost capacity. I want less apathy, and more excitement. I want to terrify myself so I know that I am doing the right thing. I want a plan. I want to fly by the seat of my pants. I want a dog. I want right now to be enough. I want a story to occupy me. I want to play more music unabashedly. I want better posture. I want to be giddy and ridiculous. I want to not worry about money. I want to find a way to travel, to live abroad again while making money. I want game. I want to not want. I want the stone between my heart and head to go away. I want to reach out, and have my challenge returned. I want to be inspired and inspiring. I want to embrace the next big adventure. I want to not be afraid anymore.
Saturday, April 11, 2009
At Home Where There Are No Houses?
Apparently its that time of year again where things are opening and closing in all directions. So strange that winter has passed, yet the freak snowstorms seem to continue biting me in the ass. Even stranger that I graduated from college eleven months ago. I'll be in Portland almost one year to the date. The time of year where I get restless and reckless and overdramatic, rather habitually.
Currently wrapped in housing drama, as per usual. I am totally torn philosophically, at this point over even finding my next place or not. Paul put the seed well I should say watered the seed already in my own head of just saying fuck it and committing to full time vagabondery for the summer. I'm frustrated with the process of selling myself to potential home-mates, don't like the place I'm seeing, and can't afford the places I covet. Between May 1 and July 1 I only anticipate sleeping in town for about 14 days, as opposed to the usual 15 nights per month.
I am intrigued and repulsed simaltaneously by the idea of elective homelessness. I'm intrigued by the adventure of it, physically. I often feel loss and let down after coming home from the field and moving indoors. I feel that emotionally more than physically I think, way less grounded, motivated, and purposeful. I have this fantasy about the adventure of it, waking up in my tent someplace beautiful, being forced into all the ideal parts about work without the stress of it. Reading and writing and doing art and being free and rooted all at the same time. The reality I'm sure is far from it. I'm attracted to saving money, $40 a month for storage versus $400 something for rent. I have this theory that not having a room to come home to might encourage me to expand and engage my support systems, and to seek out the people/places/things/attitudes I want as part of my life. Towards my own greater good. I'm attracted to simplifying, at least for a little while, and living out more of my wanderlust instincts.
I'm not sure yet how much of this freaking me out is new and wise terror, and how much is my usual fear of the unknown and new trying to strangle those outer impulses. I know I am very attached to having my own space, some niche somewhere that is mine to return to. I know this helps keep me grounded and relaxed. I know that depending on other people makes me uncomfortable, and that I put a lot of stock in being in control. I know that my brief stint homeless in the fall stressed me out a lot. I know that most of my off shift life lately revolves around baking, napping, watching too much tv, hiding, doing too much internet, and other such associated vegging out. These are all things that would be challenging without a home base.
The part I can't place in a particular column is how different I am since October. I'm scared of doing all of this and committing to the gypsy life because couch surfing in October was really hard for me. I'm grateful for the lessons I learned and the people I met, particularly the ones about trusting that the universe is well intentioned and puts me where I am meant to end up. The thing is, I am so much more grounded than I was in October. I know people in town now that I can fall back on, instead of trusting in the goodness of strangers. Work is so much less overwhelming than it was in the beginning. I wanted to write less crazy, not the case. I just handle the crazy better. The weather even would be more easy going. I'm scared though, because even so I don't know if I can do it, emotionally and spiritually...
Currently wrapped in housing drama, as per usual. I am totally torn philosophically, at this point over even finding my next place or not. Paul put the seed well I should say watered the seed already in my own head of just saying fuck it and committing to full time vagabondery for the summer. I'm frustrated with the process of selling myself to potential home-mates, don't like the place I'm seeing, and can't afford the places I covet. Between May 1 and July 1 I only anticipate sleeping in town for about 14 days, as opposed to the usual 15 nights per month.
I am intrigued and repulsed simaltaneously by the idea of elective homelessness. I'm intrigued by the adventure of it, physically. I often feel loss and let down after coming home from the field and moving indoors. I feel that emotionally more than physically I think, way less grounded, motivated, and purposeful. I have this fantasy about the adventure of it, waking up in my tent someplace beautiful, being forced into all the ideal parts about work without the stress of it. Reading and writing and doing art and being free and rooted all at the same time. The reality I'm sure is far from it. I'm attracted to saving money, $40 a month for storage versus $400 something for rent. I have this theory that not having a room to come home to might encourage me to expand and engage my support systems, and to seek out the people/places/things/attitudes I want as part of my life. Towards my own greater good. I'm attracted to simplifying, at least for a little while, and living out more of my wanderlust instincts.
I'm not sure yet how much of this freaking me out is new and wise terror, and how much is my usual fear of the unknown and new trying to strangle those outer impulses. I know I am very attached to having my own space, some niche somewhere that is mine to return to. I know this helps keep me grounded and relaxed. I know that depending on other people makes me uncomfortable, and that I put a lot of stock in being in control. I know that my brief stint homeless in the fall stressed me out a lot. I know that most of my off shift life lately revolves around baking, napping, watching too much tv, hiding, doing too much internet, and other such associated vegging out. These are all things that would be challenging without a home base.
The part I can't place in a particular column is how different I am since October. I'm scared of doing all of this and committing to the gypsy life because couch surfing in October was really hard for me. I'm grateful for the lessons I learned and the people I met, particularly the ones about trusting that the universe is well intentioned and puts me where I am meant to end up. The thing is, I am so much more grounded than I was in October. I know people in town now that I can fall back on, instead of trusting in the goodness of strangers. Work is so much less overwhelming than it was in the beginning. I wanted to write less crazy, not the case. I just handle the crazy better. The weather even would be more easy going. I'm scared though, because even so I don't know if I can do it, emotionally and spiritually...
Tuesday, April 07, 2009
The One You Write Home About
Tuesday afternoon and I am feeling drained after saying goodbye to our three grads and their families. The ladies just left to meet Norman for a bonus meditation session, and though I'd really love to go sit for a while I'm aware that I am at that precipice point of no return for not quite needing a break but not having enough energy to be solid for another 24 hours. Tuesdays are a tease, without a lot to do and it still feels like we should be outgoing instead of heading out on expedition again. I am doing better staying engaged and in tuned and engaging, but definitly stretched at this point.
Grad was intense. I always want to be the one they write home about, the one that was both memorable and to be missed. To get that in the face from three separate families was powerful and really special to watch. I really appreciated having that piece of closure for my own sake, validation and continuing inspiration. Watching them with their families was like the final payoff of how many months of hard work. The three of them were all so happy, it made me sad or them to think about how hard life gets once they leave here and have to fend for themselves without us asking incessantly how they are feeling. Sad and excited and curious and so very hopeful. I'll truely miss Trace for her smile and perpetual goofiness, Nadine for her optimism and convictions and bravery, and Orange for her laughter. It will be a truely different group now in so many ways.
I am feeling antsy and lethargic in my body. My right temple is starting to tinge, and the inside of my thighs have rubbed raw. My mind feels like its clenched tight, like a face looking into bright sunlight. My heart is stressed out, and wound up. My heart is filling up towards my throat. My heart feels uncertain and warm and open, all at the same time. My soul is angry and ambivalent.
Grad was intense. I always want to be the one they write home about, the one that was both memorable and to be missed. To get that in the face from three separate families was powerful and really special to watch. I really appreciated having that piece of closure for my own sake, validation and continuing inspiration. Watching them with their families was like the final payoff of how many months of hard work. The three of them were all so happy, it made me sad or them to think about how hard life gets once they leave here and have to fend for themselves without us asking incessantly how they are feeling. Sad and excited and curious and so very hopeful. I'll truely miss Trace for her smile and perpetual goofiness, Nadine for her optimism and convictions and bravery, and Orange for her laughter. It will be a truely different group now in so many ways.
I am feeling antsy and lethargic in my body. My right temple is starting to tinge, and the inside of my thighs have rubbed raw. My mind feels like its clenched tight, like a face looking into bright sunlight. My heart is stressed out, and wound up. My heart is filling up towards my throat. My heart feels uncertain and warm and open, all at the same time. My soul is angry and ambivalent.
Saturday, April 04, 2009
Empathetically Insecure
All I've wanted for the last few days was the moment to sit and write for a while. That, and a break in the rain/wind/snow. and now I have both, and I can think of little consequential to say.
The biggest thing coming up for me this week so far is how much not being in the know annoys me. I mean, or I gues currently I mean when the staff team staffs up without me. Its not even the not knowing whats going on that bugs me the most, but not being included. It makes me feel insecure, and unworthy and stupid. It brings up feeling unwanted and not trusted and undesirable and overlooked. I had brought this feedback to Alex last shift and mentioned it to Kara as well, so I challenged myself this week not to bring it up. Not to flip out hen I dont know whats going on or what the plan is, to make a more visible effort just to rool with it as I go. Sort of as a challenge to see if I could do so, not ask a bunch of questions for the sake of including myself. And to challenge myself just to be uncomfortable and feel all of those things.
No snow this morning, but frigid. Colder than I've experienced out here for a couple of months. I am wearing all of my layers and then some. I slept in everything for the first time since early January, and was pleasantly warm all night. To think it was 75 degrees last shift, and I debated retiring my deep winter sleeping bag for the season...
Solos ending this afternoon makes me a bit anxious. Mostly because I'm tired and thinking about kicking back into gear makes me more tired. Those transports on the way into work really sapped my energy. I'm sitting here watching the surise wishing I had a cup of coffee to warm my hands and my heart.
The other big field emotional thing that keeps coming up for me out here lately is how much the helpless almost entitled ones seem to get under my skin. I'm trying to figure out why. I find it exasperating, particularly when they've been here a while already and are privy to a lot of our tricks of the trade, yet still aren't doing for themselves and freak out unless others are taking care of them for them. Jo is a great example, or atleast the most current. I have a hard time showing empathy when shes not using the tools we've given her to be succesful and take care of herself, and is still suffering. I'm having a hard time connecting into why she is that way psychologically and experientially, where her basic goodness lies. I think I am such an independent person, and have always been expected to take care of myself and the people around me, --all those kids who have never had to do something hard, never had to do something for themselves just piss me off on a personal level. A little bit of jealousy and far too much self-righteousness. Where I should be compassionate I am instead frusterated and angry. I never had a chance or an opportunity to be whiney and demanding and taken care of, and I guess atleast on some level I resent her for that. I need to remember that a lot of her that frusterates me are the same patterns coming through. Helpless is anting attention, medically manifesting emotions is in someways the same. Wanting attention and not knowing the right ways to get what she wants. IT fits the whole messy divorce, super immaturity, boy crazy physicality part too. Patterns like throwing hissy fits and refusing and trying to charm her way through things that aren't working so well here any more. I'm sort of using her to practice my goal of showing more compassion this week. I've done it a lot before too, once I know I'm being triggered by a student I often redouble my efforts to work with them, just to get through it and proove to myself almost counter suggestively that I can find that connection and be somewhat productive, even when I'm uncomfortable. I did it with Cris, never got there with Sam, did it with A, and now Jo. On the hike in to White Rock she freaked out panicked again, like she did all last shift. At one point I got down next to her as she's doubled over crying and couched her through one of Norman's breathing excercises, and still managed to find that boundary line of "yes, OK, now we have to keep moving." Then again his morning, I was checking her feet on the first solo round. THey were legit cold, so I put them on my belly for awhile. I think usually I would just have got frusterated before and scoffed. I'm curious to see what afefct showing more compassion audibly and physically has.
It's late afternoon now, and I am shitting on top of White Rock looking out on mountains in all directions and just feeling so very blessed in this moment that being out here is my job and my life. I had good talks with Nadine and Andi this afternoon after pulling everyone off solos, and the sun finally came out. I got space this morning and this time now, and am feeling way more grounded than these past couple of days. I am liking the balance of the last few shifts out, where I can both totally loose myself and forget what day it is, and also be excited to go home and do good things. I feel good about my week when I can hit Sunday or Monday and not be strung out frenetic exhausted. Working with Marie adn Kara has been fabulous. The high point that I'll remember for awhile was our food party last night once we finally put Cate out on a modified solo and had the kitchen to ourselves. I introduced the both of them to peanut butter chocolate torts. The peanut butter was super runny and dripped from both ends like crazy and for awhile the three of us were eating the same tort at the same time and laughing so hard it hurt.
I'm still working on the part about how I show my compassion out here question. I haven't come up with any great easy answers. I know I am compassionate when I can empathize genuinely with a student when they are acting a certain way and keep myself in check. I am compassionate when I can touch into my emotions and respond, instead of react. When I can balance the behavior with the old pattern and intent--see past what to the probable why, without getting my personal stuff to cloud the picture.
A work in progress, I am.
The biggest thing coming up for me this week so far is how much not being in the know annoys me. I mean, or I gues currently I mean when the staff team staffs up without me. Its not even the not knowing whats going on that bugs me the most, but not being included. It makes me feel insecure, and unworthy and stupid. It brings up feeling unwanted and not trusted and undesirable and overlooked. I had brought this feedback to Alex last shift and mentioned it to Kara as well, so I challenged myself this week not to bring it up. Not to flip out hen I dont know whats going on or what the plan is, to make a more visible effort just to rool with it as I go. Sort of as a challenge to see if I could do so, not ask a bunch of questions for the sake of including myself. And to challenge myself just to be uncomfortable and feel all of those things.
No snow this morning, but frigid. Colder than I've experienced out here for a couple of months. I am wearing all of my layers and then some. I slept in everything for the first time since early January, and was pleasantly warm all night. To think it was 75 degrees last shift, and I debated retiring my deep winter sleeping bag for the season...
Solos ending this afternoon makes me a bit anxious. Mostly because I'm tired and thinking about kicking back into gear makes me more tired. Those transports on the way into work really sapped my energy. I'm sitting here watching the surise wishing I had a cup of coffee to warm my hands and my heart.
The other big field emotional thing that keeps coming up for me out here lately is how much the helpless almost entitled ones seem to get under my skin. I'm trying to figure out why. I find it exasperating, particularly when they've been here a while already and are privy to a lot of our tricks of the trade, yet still aren't doing for themselves and freak out unless others are taking care of them for them. Jo is a great example, or atleast the most current. I have a hard time showing empathy when shes not using the tools we've given her to be succesful and take care of herself, and is still suffering. I'm having a hard time connecting into why she is that way psychologically and experientially, where her basic goodness lies. I think I am such an independent person, and have always been expected to take care of myself and the people around me, --all those kids who have never had to do something hard, never had to do something for themselves just piss me off on a personal level. A little bit of jealousy and far too much self-righteousness. Where I should be compassionate I am instead frusterated and angry. I never had a chance or an opportunity to be whiney and demanding and taken care of, and I guess atleast on some level I resent her for that. I need to remember that a lot of her that frusterates me are the same patterns coming through. Helpless is anting attention, medically manifesting emotions is in someways the same. Wanting attention and not knowing the right ways to get what she wants. IT fits the whole messy divorce, super immaturity, boy crazy physicality part too. Patterns like throwing hissy fits and refusing and trying to charm her way through things that aren't working so well here any more. I'm sort of using her to practice my goal of showing more compassion this week. I've done it a lot before too, once I know I'm being triggered by a student I often redouble my efforts to work with them, just to get through it and proove to myself almost counter suggestively that I can find that connection and be somewhat productive, even when I'm uncomfortable. I did it with Cris, never got there with Sam, did it with A, and now Jo. On the hike in to White Rock she freaked out panicked again, like she did all last shift. At one point I got down next to her as she's doubled over crying and couched her through one of Norman's breathing excercises, and still managed to find that boundary line of "yes, OK, now we have to keep moving." Then again his morning, I was checking her feet on the first solo round. THey were legit cold, so I put them on my belly for awhile. I think usually I would just have got frusterated before and scoffed. I'm curious to see what afefct showing more compassion audibly and physically has.
It's late afternoon now, and I am shitting on top of White Rock looking out on mountains in all directions and just feeling so very blessed in this moment that being out here is my job and my life. I had good talks with Nadine and Andi this afternoon after pulling everyone off solos, and the sun finally came out. I got space this morning and this time now, and am feeling way more grounded than these past couple of days. I am liking the balance of the last few shifts out, where I can both totally loose myself and forget what day it is, and also be excited to go home and do good things. I feel good about my week when I can hit Sunday or Monday and not be strung out frenetic exhausted. Working with Marie adn Kara has been fabulous. The high point that I'll remember for awhile was our food party last night once we finally put Cate out on a modified solo and had the kitchen to ourselves. I introduced the both of them to peanut butter chocolate torts. The peanut butter was super runny and dripped from both ends like crazy and for awhile the three of us were eating the same tort at the same time and laughing so hard it hurt.
I'm still working on the part about how I show my compassion out here question. I haven't come up with any great easy answers. I know I am compassionate when I can empathize genuinely with a student when they are acting a certain way and keep myself in check. I am compassionate when I can touch into my emotions and respond, instead of react. When I can balance the behavior with the old pattern and intent--see past what to the probable why, without getting my personal stuff to cloud the picture.
A work in progress, I am.
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