Spring Fever, or alternately titled Fail Faster

I think I'm somehow suddenly in a relationship. For the first time in four years. And I'm not entirely sure how that happened mysteriously, nor what I happen to think about this whole train wreck waiting to happen. The details don't really matter, truth of the matter is this: I happen to be with a great guy who I've been friends with for a very long time, who has a lot of the qualities that I theoretically look for in a partner. We've been through a lot in the four years that I've known him, which is neither good nor bad, it just is. He has been a great friend to me, for which I'm more than grateful. He is legitimately one of the kindest souls I've ever known, one of the biggest hearts, and one of the most sort of impish personalities I've yet to encounter.

The only catch is, I'm not sure I'm physically attracted to him.

I feel horrible and shallow to be even having this internal monologue with myself, for allowing this to even be an issue. Though shallow might not be the correct word, because lord knows I've been involved with enough great guys over the years with non-traditional aesthetics to know that physical nature is not high up on my list of things that I look for in men. On the list, yes, but buried below the fold for sure. I do know, however, that there has to be some element of physical connection between me and whomever for a relationship to work. There has to be that spark...its part of what makes dating so magical and ethereal, that something unexplainable that just pulls you to the person.

I have to believe, I really do, that maybe you can find the spark. That you can coax it into a thriving flame. That maybe it just takes a good breeze, or a few good blows. That the physical passion that I'm so disconcertingly not feeling right now can be discovered. I have to believe that otherwise there is no hope for humanity. I have to trust that I have the potential to be surprised by people, otherwise life is just this big soup of bitterness and discontent. I have to hold on to that hope.

I wish I could be gungho about this, about him, really. I cant decide if I'm so disturbed because I'm behaving so far outside of my norm, because its him, or because I am so obviously lacking that undeniable all-consuming intensity of being entirely infatuated with someone. I don't know if not feeling that complete passion is disconcerting me because its missing, or because I am following a complete unknown. Lord knows my norm isn't the most healthy archetype to mold myself around, because either total avoidance of any and all sexual appetites unless I'm wasted is clearly the way to go... I'm entertaining this because it is the polar opposite of the faceless boozy hookups. Because even though I saw this coming from miles off, and had my let him down gently speech all prepared in my head, something stopped me. I cant explain it, which is I'm sure part of the uncertainties. Something stopped me from ending it before it even began, and I'm pretty sure I would have regret it.

I'm looking for that passion, I really miss it. I really miss falling passionately "in-love", because failing all the gut-wrenching experiences that go along with those blissful early days, at least you have certainty. You know with all of your being that you are in the right place and the right time making the correct albeit incredibly impulsive decisions because anything else would be denying God. I question what I'm feeling right now because it pales in comparison. Blame it on maturity, or realism, or chemistry, or being hurt one too many times (like there is anything but?!), but I cant make myself get completely goopily worked up over this guy, great as he might be.

I'm waiting for the universe, for this arguably wonderful person, to convince me. Maybe it's futile, but I'm really attempting to put my faith in the knowledge that things happen when they're meant to happen. If this is meant to be, than I've just been gifted a truly wonderful moment in time. If not, I can say I gave it a good shot, right?

My ultimate fear is giving it a good shot for a few weeks or so, and still feeling exactly the way I do sitting here tonight. Blank. Empty. Uninspired. I don't know which would be worse about that, that I'd be giving up the chance for an intimate relationship with a great and sincere human, or not being able to quiet the voices in my head that tell me I'm just not cut out for that kind of all-encompassing entirely possessing passionate love for another person.

Maybe I'm being entirely selfish in giving this a go at all, maybe I'm subliminally channeling my need to prove to myself that I can love and be loved in return. Maybe I'm leading him on, though I've been blatantly and explicitly honest about everything which I've written here. Maybe I'll be swept away. Maybe I wont. Maybe he'll decide he's really not into me...

I do know for sure that I have no idea what I'm doing. But regardless, I wont regret passing on the chance.