Thought Provoked

Today was another bizarre reminder of how fine the line I walk between being responsible, and being a glutton for punishment. After screwing up my courage all week to finally confront the man on being totally irresponsible, he beat me too it. Yeah, I know, what the fuck. The poor guy though, was actually legitimately sick. He came in to Theory this morning, turned off half the lights, pulled over the vibes to play on because they "aren't as piercing as the piano", and made us all sit like two feet away so that we "don't have to yell to be heard". And then ended class half an hour in, half an hour out of, oh, a full two. Hahah, sick, or one kickin hangover...yes I am malevolent.

Then came the infamous, "Peggy, hang out for a bit, we need to chat." Can we say in chorus, "Oh fuck." So I putzed around for awhile, cackling evilly to myself while he soothed a few shattered skulls, calmly explaining that the intricate natures of the harmonic minor scale will not, in fact, blow your mind. And then begins the litany. It was almost surreal at times, word for word that High School rhythm, all "People look up to you whether you like it or not..." and then some, "Because of the person that you are, you will always be an influential person in this department, so you may as well make your peace with being in the spotlight and being pushed into roles of authority now" and finally some of my personal favorite, "When you hold yourself like you are frustrated, like you are tired, like you don't want to be here, people see that and they reflect that. You need to learn to summon enthusiasm, how to find the energy you need to get by." Well yes, I'm sorry. I'm human. What the fuck.

This of course was all as preface to telling me that I need to rehearse the percussion ensemble again this evening. Yes, lets all admire that grand display of eloquent rhetoric. I'll have to try that next time I need something, first a series of back-handed compliments, followed by the omnipresent analysis of one's negative attitudes, then a flash bang closer of a guilty appeal to one's decency and responsibility. Ah, yes. Gets me everytime.

Then, heres the kicker, I managed to actually stand up to the guy. It was worth it just to watch Brett's face, see the progression of his disbelief from first the jaw dropping, then the eyes bugging out, then the push back from the desk, and finally the ubiquitous hands through hair. Ok, sad, yes. I was really proud of myself though, I am very not the assertive person by nature, its definitely something I'm just starting to get the hang of. I told him how angry we were for being left in the lurch, how low down I thought it was, not so much for us, we're used to it. More for the poor high school kids who are dependent on their parents to drive them up here, only to play on a few songs. To help us. To help him. I told him that we really don't mind working our ass off for him, because I think we really all respect him, and respect what we're doing. But you gotta give to get. Yeah, that's about it. But that's all true, all out in the air, this is me not even exaggerating. Exhilarating, yes.

The thing is, I really don't mind doing everything that I'm asked to do. I'm flattered, occasionally even grateful for the opportunities and experiences. But I am past being taken advantage of. I think he has a point about the attitude though, or at least it has caused me to think a lot about it. I think I'm just really not comfortable being thrust into leadership roles, especially in groups of my peers. So in those situations, I put on the disaffected youth hat, reflect the attitudes that I think people expect of me. All those years of music and rehearsals not being "cool", I guess I picked up bit of that attitude, so that's what I fall back on. Like it makes me easier to deal with. I'll give him that.

Old habits die hard.
Especially awkward self-conscious teen ones.