Let Go

"We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us."--Joseph Campbell

That's the new plan of the moment, though excruciating to stick to. I run and run and run, just to hold on to a shred of sanity, to maintain even superficial control over my mind, and never quite get there. I've been so wholly distracted, all week long, and all I know is I can't keep going like this. I can't do the things I need to do to be here, in this state of mind, I can't function. I can't eat, unless someone leads me by the hand, I can't sleep, I don't do homework. I've even been rebelling from Evans, lord only knows why that made sense in my head. I haven't practiced since Tuesday. Curly and I were deliciously late to band Tuesday night, definitely one of the bigger thrills I've had in a while (note to self: how sad). I'm walking around like a total space cadet, shit, I even zone out in the middle of rehearsals. Right in the middle of measures. Of solos, just, oh look there goes my brain. Not even shiny object distractions, just, like, screw this my mind has better things to occupy itself with. Who needs Mozart anyway???

This kid is bad news. And so is my research paper. And my mother.

So I'm letting go of the chaos. I'm making my peace with disorder. I can't plan my life into easy happiness compartments, nor would I want to. I will enjoy this, whatever it is, or turns out not to be. This is, this is it. And if you haven't tried, if you haven't risked anything and fallen flat, you haven't really ever lived.