Endorphins are the New Pink

Maybe, just maybe, catching my breath today. I'm just out from a mile+ pool morning, and the blood is running and the day is disgustingly beautiful and fickle. This is, what, day six of the "Lets keep Peggy sane by working out" campaign, and yea, it will destroy my body but oh god, feels soooooooo good. Then had a naked Russian conversation in the locker room with Ira, which made me incredibly happy, and for the first time in months my day doesn't seem quite so oppressive.

In an effort to keep up this facade of clarity and honesty and non-opaqueness, yes, finally heard from him, was weird as fuck, but yes, am relieved, at the very least. Patience is not my strong suit, I just want to fix the world now damnit, not sit back and wait for the explosion. But I am learning, sometimes the explosions are the best lessons. Regardless, not my call to make. So thank you, again, to every shoulder I've cried on, every unsuspecting soul I've snapped at, every half-way decent conversation I've ruined recently by dumping my own baggage on top of and squishing to death.

That whole lets take people as they are thing is still very nacent. I'm afraid I'll break first, and the old ways are just too easy, too ingrained. Its just so easy to slip back into those habits, wall off the world, and play happily in my own little sanitary hole. I keep telling myself, its more than worth it to learn to deal, learn to feel again, not fear emotion and drowning, and more than worth it now. I keep telling myself either things will be resolved, or I'll get used to it, its just a matter of which gets here first. And it will, so for now, I'm exploring, as sick as that sounds.

I really honestly do believe that everything happens for a reason. Not the whole slap-happy omnipotent omnicient predestination thing, but yea. We are meant to walk the path that we are on, and to see where it leads us. Maybe that is just the peace I make with a world that confuses and frightens, maybe it is my easy way out. But too many times I've found myself at a complete lost, and the only option is to follow my gut, and let instinct lead me to where I should be. Thats all you have left, when all of your comparisons fall away, when everything you know, everything you've learned, everything you've experienced, when everything very suddenly and cruely doesn't apply any more. I think that reliance on instinct is part of what I've been really missing back here in the States, part of the whole dependence thing that I find so stiffling. And its also what I fear the most, just letting go, stop logicalizing, stop thinking the world to death, and to trust in myself and my surroundings, or who I've chosen to surround me, that things will come out OK in the end. But maybe thats it, you have to sink before you let yourself float.

This is not the end, of the troubles, of the meltdowns, of the confusions. But I'd be worried if it were. I don't know what I'm doing, I haven't got it figured out, and I laugh at anyone who claims to know. Maybe laughing in itself is a step, two feet over envy at the very least.


Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming...