I realized this morning after running with Chris (albeit at the ultimate ass end of dawn) that I'm pissed at myself for feeling crappy. I'm angry for letting myself go down this road again, as if it were really any sort of conscious choice I made, like, OK today lets be depressed 'cause we haven't done that for awhile. Just for shits and giggles, keep things lively. The longer this goes on the more truely I believe in the biology of depression, because its such a viscereal reaction to fall, so much n ight and day that I think I must be mistaken. That it'll pass in a few days and not settle in to roost on my shoulders till February. Because I almost didn't notice the passing of time in my haste to hope and pray that this would finally be the year that I grew out of this dark game. I keep thinking that I've made enough positive changes in my life, that I've taken decisive enough charge of my l ife and the things which I know make me feel good. That maybe this is the year where all of the good that I've been doing would finally be enough to keep my head above water. And yet its the same old story, the same battles I've been fighting since freshman year when I lost it all and slept with Noah. And then the power of suggestion, too, is such a strong enticement. I feel like I've been treading water pretty desperately all semester so far, with just enough force and energy to keep my head above the surface. And then that pesky little thought crosses my mind that maybe this is why everything is so hard, and just the thought that maybe I'm depressed again is enough to give it up and just sink for a while.
All I want to do is sit and write this storm away, and not having the ability to do so is kind of crushing. Nothing right now seems more worthless than going to Russian lit class. If I hadn't already skipped class twice this week I think I would probably just runaway for the 2 hours. At this point I'm going just to prove to myself that I can, instead of the other way around.
They're forcasting sun next week, here's hopin'. Sun and a nice long sleep.
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2 comments:
i'm sure things will get better. and feel free to call me at lunch time more often. any interruptions from reading are appreciated. especially since my future (hopefully) advisor just sent me a 98-page review article, plus 3 other reasonable length articles to read. so i guess i should start reading again. ;-)
I hope things get better. remember you don't need to go through this alone.
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