Tonight I am stuck somewhere between aroused and viciously confused. I've been so out of this loop for so long, that I find myself wandering around daydreaming happily, and then I have to remind myself that no, I am not 15 trailing around after my best friend in the secret agony of an absolutely forbidden crush. At so many points these days I am so completely and wholly struck by my age. In some ways it was so much easier in high school, the cues were so much more blatant. And if you know anything about me, you know that there is little that gets under my skin quite like being uncertain, in limbo. I think that's part of the reason that I've avoided the whole dating scene, because it puts me totally and completely out of reach of things that I control.
The bottom line is, no matter what I imagine, however hard I attempt to not let my mind wander, I need to somehow face facts that it will probably not work the way I picture. Nothing ever does. Not like that's a bad thing, its just the reality living with a severely overactive imagination and a penchant for drama. In reality, its really just a big deal for me, a big victory to even be in this situation. Putting myself out there is a big deal for me, when even after four years of solo time, I'm still not totally sure what I'm hiding from. Its even larger and more noteworthy that I am attempting to ignore the voices telling me that I made this all up, that I guy like that would never be into a girl like me. But I didn't make it up, and now all that's left is to wait and see.
The bottom line is, no matter what I imagine, however hard I attempt to not let my mind wander, I need to somehow face facts that it will probably not work the way I picture. Nothing ever does. Not like that's a bad thing, its just the reality living with a severely overactive imagination and a penchant for drama. In reality, its really just a big deal for me, a big victory to even be in this situation. Putting myself out there is a big deal for me, when even after four years of solo time, I'm still not totally sure what I'm hiding from. Its even larger and more noteworthy that I am attempting to ignore the voices telling me that I made this all up, that I guy like that would never be into a girl like me. But I didn't make it up, and now all that's left is to wait and see.
If I could, I'd tell you that for once in my life I want to enjoy not being so serious. I'm not trying to marry you or date you seriously. All I know is that I liked spending time with you, and I think you thought so too. I'd like to do so more often. That's it. Casual. Noncommittal. Fun.
I want to prove to myself that I can do this. That I can be grown up enough to be smitten with someone, and not try to drink myself to death in the process. That I can do this and not be eaten up by it. Or turn anyone gay in the process. That I'm bigger and better than my demons. That I can be loved. That I don't think everyone and everything to death. That I can be patient enough to see things through, though the more patience required, the more I tend to let my mind wander places it has no place going.
I need a distraction from this distraction.
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