I can't help but avoid the page right now. Avoiding many things right now, namely, owning up to myself that I'm a little freaked out about all of the impending changes in my life. More than a little. Its hard to admit that I'm a bit shook up about leaving, since being here, being in college has been so difficult for me.
And I have a bit of a track record at this point for not dealing well with large transitions. I think thats maybe a better word for it, I'm not concerned entirely, I'm anxious. And curious. Anxiously curious. I'm not afraid, nostalgic maybe, but not scared. I have every faith that things will work out for me. No idea how, exactly. But they will. It's the out-of-balance crazy of having no idea how to imagine four months from now that really throws me. I'm fighting the disonance of mistakenly believing that if I had more time I could some how sort through all of these misguided notions and figure out how I really feel.
So today, instead of finishing one of my last research papers for a very long time, instead of sitting and dealing with myself, instead of hanging out with some amazing people while I have the chance, I avoided. Today I spent two hours in the gym working up some sweet happy brain chemicals. Today I actually legitimately did homework briefly. I made two aborted efforts to score some free Ben & Jerry's.
And maybe most rad, I spent two hours in the warehouse pulling gear for Utah. And finally finally learning how to tie a bowline. Which means there will be no bears in my food bags this summer in the northwoods, no sir!
Ok, so maybe you had to be there.
At any rate, there is apparently no brain skills left to ruminate on the coming transformations. So I'm going to finish my wine, stop pretending like I'm going to make more progress on this paper tonight, suck it up and admit that it's going to be another 5 am work session, and go to bed.
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