This I Know Is True

Driving home tonight from NoPo, watching the stars come out for the first time in weeks, it was like opening my eyes wider than I have in a very long time. I can't quite explain it, just like pulling at my eyelids to see bigger.

I've let so many revelations sift through my fingers this year. Looking back, I really wish I'd written more, because I find the things I do manage to catch an notice and entomb so true and so real and so ridiculous. I feel sometimes like I notice and ruminate so much, but rarely actually acknowledge the churnings of my brain.

And even still, I'm stalling. Playing in words, yet stalling none the less.

So here it is. Things that I know to be solemnly and gut-wrenchingly true right now in this moment. Pitching tents yesterday smelled like dirt and sunshine and bugspray and the smell itself made me irrepressably content. My cell phone and maybe my laptop need some serious TLC very very soon. My family is crazy and intense and a wee bit possesive but I love them anyway. I have a very hard time letting people do something nice for me. I'm humble to a fault. I have some really irritating facial hair issues right now that I'm trying not to let bother me. I haven't told CO or Birch Trail that my knees are less than 100% there, and I'm absolutely terrified that I'm not going to make it through Utah in one piece. I sometimes, however rarely, have a hard time admitting that I need help. I wonder alot about what will happen the next time I get depressed, regardless of the emotional state I'm currently in. It hasn't yet hit me that I'm a soon-to-be college graduate. I wish I were proud of that fact, and proud of my school. There are quite a few people that have meant something to me in the last couple of years that I don't forsee staying in contact with. For all, this is just reality. For some, this is beyond devestating. I have stage fright. I wish I were happy with my thesis because the process and the topic have meant so much to me. Even though I've created my adult identityround being independent and adventurous, I think its time to be closer to family for a while. I find this fact incredibly controversial, and am having a hard time wrapping myself around it. I know that by eating better, being poor, and obsessing a wee-bit, and of course my ever productive and batshit INSANE excercise for endorphins, I've lost about 10 pounds in about a month. I know that I have a love hat relationship with being in control. I know that learning to tie a bowline correctly, and then teaching it yesterday felt as much of accomplishment as my thesis, if not moreso. I know that I'm tired of this weather, but sunshine would make it even harder to leave this city in a few weeks. I knot that environmentalism is frusterating. I know that I can't even imagine what rural living will be like. I know that I'm arguing with myself secretly about applying for a job I saw teaching at a poor public school in Estonia of all places. I know that I'm maybe ready to admit that there is a place for teaching in my future, just as long as I can o it my way. I know a large and growing part of me is really itching to travel again, but I can't imagine not pursuing the wilderness thing. I've postponed it for so long, resisted the idea for even longer. But I also know that the randomness, most impulsive gut instinct decisions have gotten me the very furthest.

I know that writting is good, but sometimes staring out the window is even better