New Horizons, Maybe.

I suppose this is a good way to start off the shift, awake, done, and chilling out with time to spare this morning. Paul should be here in a few minutes, and in the meantime I'm just trying to slow down my brain a bit and convince my heart that yes, it really and truly will survive this shift. It seems so counter intuitive to be going back, I'm fighting a lot of my fight or flight instincts right now.

I want to set some intentions for the week, as effort to calm my heart and sooth my mind. I intend to use the morning time for myself at least twice this shift, hopefully more. Even if I'm exhausted, and think that sleep would be more beneficial. I will advocate for breaks on some sort of consistent schedule, and for myself when needed. I intend to be gentle with myself this week, and to accept and forgive the emotions that I'm experiencing. This will happen through art, writing, and conversation.

It's 6ish, tonight, and I am potentially lost at the new Colorado base camp. Not lost exactly, I would just be uncertain which direction to run in a hurry if I needed to. Which is a little unnerving. We've been here a total of maybe four hours, and right now the week feels like a long one. I've already managed to trigger two ladies pretty good. It feels heavy here, or they do anyway. Heavy and hard and burdened. Just putting up the group shelter here today took hours, and everything is an argument. Its making me kind of wonder whether I have a week of them in me right now. I feel worm down and on the verge already, mere hours in.

I do this to myself. I do this to myself because I hate shying away form the challenge. Well, I love it, but hate myself for it. I do this today because showing up is infinitely more admirable than conceding. I do this today, with most of the bravery I possess. Because it makes me tired and worn about and even so I know that I showed up and I am making an attempt. I do this to myself today as an act of forgiveness. Because last shift out was terrifying and exhausting and that cannot be the strongest image I have of being out here. And because I must forgive myself for feeling terrified and desperate and overwhelmed. I do this today because I know in some buried corner of my brain that the banal conversations I have tonight with these girls serve some greater good. Because ridiculous tonight may lead to meaningful tomorrow.

I do this to myself because I have a heart capable of holding some burdens bigger than myself. I do this to myself because today and all days I am human. I am human and anything greater or meeker shall be forgiven.