Roll call...

I'm worried today, and embarrassed and awkward and more than a little bit ashamed. I hate that I'm having this conversation again, I kind of hoped that Keven would be the last one. Or Noah, or to some extent Jack. I hate that getting pissed drunk seems to be the only way I can connect physically with a man. At least the sex itself is no longer what makes me feel shameful, it's the drinking. I feel bad that now I may have to go back there and break this boy's heart. And that I didn't really know his name. I feel angry, when I think about how many times I've ended up in this predicament (3? Ok so it seemed like a lot) and how much I end up victimizing myself. I keep sort of wondering what the missing piece is, what I am doing to be attracting the wrong kind of people in the wrong kind of places. Or maybe the right people in the wrong ways. I feel like I'm better than last night. I regret not just having the evening end as a crazy night out with the girls. Now I'm left with way too much drama fodder for my relatively unoccupied brain.

I've been sitting down by the river for a couple hours now just zoning out. I'm kind of dreading heading home a little bit, wondering if he'll be there and I can't just laugh this whole day off as another one night stand. I'm sure the girls will understand, I'm just not sure he will...