20 Minutes...take one

I'm at that point where maybe perhaps time starts moving fast enough for me to loose track of things, for the most part. Unil I slow down long enough, and fate swings back away fromme, and I'm counting down the days impatiently, instead of tearfully. Thinking about classes got me thinking about next semester, and thats never a happy train of thought. Its that constant theme of always yearning for what comes next, never being fully able to handle here and now. Thinking about school only further confuses and frightens me, yet another jump into the semi-unknown. When I left school last spring I was pretty dead set on giving up Span and giving into my music major cravings. After Monterey and being here, I'm back on travel, back on Spanish, and maybe perhaps Anthropology. I had this brilliant idea a few months back about going and studying Eastern European cultural communities in South America. IT just sort of came to me in the middle of a lecture this summer, and such a perfect answer to everything that I can't get ito ut of my mind. After hitting a few walls with just basic introductory research, I figure maybe the best way to start is to learn how to learn, thus SoAn next semester. I'm not assuming that I'll actually enjoy it, I mean, look what happened with me and politics last semester. But even the small nothion of it is enough to throw off all my plans for education for the duration. If next semester goes remotely well, Anthro or Sociology is remotely intriguing, Spanish doesn't as expected kick my ass, I'm back on more study abroad, and perhaps SoAN as my second major?!?! Its a huge jumpt even on paper, considering I don't even knowthe meaning of the word. But I guess thats classic me- find the answer, find the ends, and then go about finding the means to get there.

And then the more I think about it the worse tangled my brain becomes. If this works it'd probably mean an extra semester or year, and theres definitly no money or financial aid for that. Unless I give up music all together, not even a minor, which I really can't physically do withmy scholarship. Or find a study abroad which fufills some requirements, as opposed to here, which is almost all fluff and fun. And the more tangled my brain gets, the more annoyed I get because I don't have a course book or the list of classes offered in the coming semesters, so basically the whole argument is mute for a good long while. And thats not even saying anything about living arangements, which I dont even want to think about...Oh fuck, if money for the last year comes up I should just apply to be an RA and use the difference for tuition...horror of horrors. That would meen not having to move off campus to save the money for room and board...

This conversation is officially absurd. But I might just walk down to internet and explore some options...

So back to real life, hah...

This week I did finally give in and buy pants, and it was every bit as torturous as I was expecting. In fact, it was worse than I was expecting. Brook and I walked down and back on all of Bolshoi Prospekt, and in every store we went into were uncharactheristically mobbed by store help. Uncharacteristic because this is Russia, and the city hasnt finally magically transformed into a service economy since last week. And becasue their "help" was anything but. In one store I actually pretended to have a phone call so we could leave. The girl just kept bringing me pairs in sizes not even close to what I asked for, it was absurd. And of course the only pair of jeans remotely close to fitting cost more than $100 US. But then in the next store I let myself be seduced by a beautiful Turkmeni, and somehow ended up with a $70 pair of Levi's, which will most definitly get taken back as soon as possible. But I gotta do something about the excercise thing, because I'm really starting to feel it. I'm trying not to pay attention to it, and control the meals when I c an, but I dont put very much faith in small steps. At least this time around I know that it will all come off within a few months of returning home. But how I'm yearning for a good run right now, so much...

I had a rattling email from a good friend last week, I'm really still digesting it. Somthing happened, not really sure what, but very thankful that shes now getting the help she needs and feeling better. NOt totally surprised, but I guess that energy and excitement was one of the things that I always enjoyed about her. I'm glad things are improving, but also the tiniest bit scared that I'm loosing the girl that I love so dearly. Weird? I know, I cant know what its like so don't make judgments. And then theres the small part of me who is thinking, "well shit, what does this say about me?!" We were always so alike, mindset, attitude, life style...maybe I should/could end up the same way...And then I think about how close I came, the end of last semester, how close I might still be...Sometimes I think all I need to really loose control is an excuse, for someone to tell me its OK to just let go. After my night with Noah I was so out of it, so confused, and my one meeting...