I want to Break Free

I think I had the first break through day today, the first one where I found myself walking down the street and could actually look around me and completely without novelty or irony appreciate where I am and what I'm doing. I was walking down Nevsky this afternoon after wandering around town on like take 189373 of the great shoe quest, headed towards the metro and home. I crossed the bridge over the Fontanka with the four horsemen, passed the sushi bar on the corner, an italian restaurant, a book store, a church, and within the six or seven blocks to the metro heard almost eight foreign languages I couldn't make even begin to make out, and it made me so happy, just that moment. For the first time since I've been here, things lined up right, and I understood, even just for a moment. A taste of...regularity, even perhaps...contentment maybe. Fleeting, but in that moment all I could think of was now, right now. No distractions, no regrets, no nostalgia, just presence purely, missing nothing and no one. The feeling passed, of course, unfortunately, but the taste of it was enough to keep me going.

Why I'm sitting up past midnight watching "Rosemarie's Baby" I do not know. We're going early tommorow to Pavlovsk with the choir, though I'm not exactly sure why. Some tradition that got lost in the translation. But I'm pysched regardless, all I heard was train, soccer, and campfire, and that was more than enough convincing. I'm just trying to convince myself that fighting for the conversation is worth the effort, though I'm more than sure that it is. Theres just always a small part of me that refuses to live in the world, that wishes hiding locked in my room was all that was asked of me. But its not, it can't be, I wouldn't want that. So once more I rattle on...