The New Top Ten

When you are calling a place of business, do try to comport yourself in a more than moronic tone and understanding.

When calling:

1) Know with whom you wish to speak. I cannot help you unless you know why you are calling.
2) Do not put me on hold, or ask if I can "hang on a minute, will ya?"
3) Do not tell me that you got a call from this number.
4) Speak loudly and clearly enough so that I may understand you. See number one.
5) Do not ask me how I am. You don't care, and you are keeping me on the phone, and away from my true job of dicking around on the internet for minutes longer than I should be.
6) Do not complain that you received a voicemail. I cannot control when and if employees are at their desks. I also can't produce them at will.
7) Do not ask me to page someone. See number 6.
8) Do not assume that I know who you are and just start talking. I don't really care that you got fired unjustly, and bloviating on the topic for an extra minute is only keeping you from who you need, and pissing me off. See number 5 and 6.
9) Do not say "Hello", and then wait. Do not wait at all in fact. See numbers 1, 5 and 8.
10) Do not comment on my level of caffeine consumption. See numbers 1, 5, 8 and 9.

Though I will say, I do give bonus points for particularly entertaining crazy calls. Like the woman who called a few days ago, didn't announce herself, and said simply:

"How bout a roll in the sand...?"

I mean, ok seriously. Seriously?!

Or the woman who called last week because she couldn't find her husband. I'm like, well okay, is he employed here? She railed for a good 3 minutes about how her husband hadn't been home since thursday, and I had to find her husband.

Lordy, Dooce here I come...