Achingly Incorrect

We just made it up to Grumpa a litle while ago, rolling in well past sundown. I'm off till dinner, and have settled on an outcropping looking down on the sea of shadow dusk and the memory of sunset. I am fighting the overwhelming sensation of having walked this way before. I think at least presently because it reminds me of sitting on East Rock at Star, though the sounds and smells are achingly incorrect. Its warmer tonight, up high looking down on the top end of Squaw. I actually kept my feet bare, in an act of daring defiance against the coming frost. I haven't mastered sleeping warm out here yet, which is making going to bed quite frusterating. Being here in the high desert is like being new in a foreign country. I can can follow and keep up with most of the actions and expressions, but some just get lost in cultural and linguistic interpretation. I know how to take care of myself in the backcountry, but learning to do it here in Utah is like a rough rudimentary translation.

The thing that has so far most surprised me is the amount of change in individual girls that happens over hours or days. How quickly they can melt down and also how quickly they can step up and show new signs of grace and maturityin the heat of the moment. I want to say that its been sort of a dramatic couple of days, but my sense is what we've delt with is small in the scheme of things. A lot of interpersonal conflicts between two girls jousting for control and feeling cut out and resentment for the other. One minor freak out in drinking puddle pond scum down in Squaw this morning. One potentially somatic stomach bug, though I want so badly to believe her. One hiking melt down, crossing anxiety issues with some maybe perhaps physical breathing problems.

It was actually one of the coolest omements of the week for me so far. I had been walking behind Cassie for most of the afternoon. We hit some pretty burly hills near the end, including the last one which was almost clifflike in stature. She's super independent, and gets touchy when people ask her how she is. I got her to tell me what it felt like when she cant breath, which she actually did in detail. The rest of the way up, she would stop every five or ten steps to catch her breath and psych herself up. I was afraid to cheer her on and make her angrier and more embarassed, so I just stood next to her, and matched her breathing until she slowed hers to match mine. We did this 6 or 8 times until we got to the top. I dont even know if she knew thtats what I was doing, but it thrilled me to get a positive response.

They had me navigate down to Little Easy yesterday, which actually went quite well. We went down a pretty good cliff near the end of Avatar point which next time I'll know to avoid. I took a good fall and bashed in my knee pretty good, which is worrisome, but the girls all made it down fine. We ended up crusing down this sweet side wash full of flowers and whirls and slickrock. I'd only feel better if I'd done it on purpose, if I'd planed to end up there, but it was definitly enjoyable either way. We ended up camping a bit up from Little Easy to get onto state land, and be allowed to poo in the ground. Horray!

Plan is to layover here tommorow, maybe dayhike some. They all have tons of therapy work or pathway stuff to do, and I think we get to do 1-on-1 checkins which I'm observing apparently. We may even stay through Monday, though I hope we'll head on . I cant imagine how two days of personal time would be. It's strange to have water delivered and be near a road again. Sometimes this wilderness seems so close, yet so artificial. I guees all wilderness which I've experienced seems sort of like that, just on a smaller scale than this.

Now my toes are cold. Dang it.

I've noticed and checked myself on a couple occasions my sarcasm and harsh tone. I was called out about both during training, which made it all the more disturbing to see it in myself this week. Also the affects both have on the students in real time. I think in a lot of ways I'm not fully concious of my tone or my sarcasm. Its definitly something I will push hard to be more aware of, for myself and for the students. It can only serve me to speak consistently from a more real place, and seek to understand what sarcasm is convering for or covering up.

I'm intrigued and unnerved by how much therapy tak seems to be sneaking into my lexicon...