Holy Wholy

Still off this morning, watching an unfortunate set of clouds roll in. At least if it starts to pour, the next two nights are at base in the wall tent, not under my wholey tarp. My shelters are getting better, but the top tarp is pretty shredded from walking through one too many junipers on training. A big storm is gonna happen sooner or later, and I'd almost rather get it over and done with.

I wonder how it will be like for me, looking back on this week months and years from now. I remember my first trip at Birch Trail so vividly, how it felt in every inch of my body to finally be doing what I knew I should be doing. It terrified me to be completely and totally out there, to have this dream and risk everything in pursuit of that curiousity. Most of all it scared me to throw myself into this work and chance learning that I wasn't good at it, that the dream wasn't meant to be. I felt a bit like that on training, particularly when things were so difficult and I wondered (they did too apparently) whether they would approve of me or whether I'd have to start all over again. I have these two simaltaneous instincts. One, if I'm not naturally gifted at something that it must not be for me and I shouldn't even bother. The other leans the opposite direction, that I just naturally havet o work three times as hard as most people to succeed at the things I am passionate about, and I should just accept and acknowledge that fact. This week has been a new and different mixture of both tendancies. There have been some parts where I've felt just called to this job, liking pushing Cassie up that last hill, or coaching Kris with her letter. There have been some parts where I know I'll have to put the work and the hours in, like confrontations and group management. And there have been a lot of moments where its been neither a total loss or complete victory, where I feel pretty OK simply taking things as it comes and learning as much or as little as I need as I go along.

As much as I've been asked lately, I still don't have a good answer to why I'm here. Wanting to do this work has been such a constant in my life for at least four years. Its hard to go back and parse the inspiration. I wanted this even before I knew how vital it would be for me. I wanted wilderness before I needed it like oxygen or blood. I'm here because even in my darkest moments I could find a bit of peace outdoors. I'm here becasue I wish someone would have had the awareness and the guts to send me to a place like this at 17. I came here because I know so well some of the experiences of these girls, and what profound impact small moments can make. I guess in as few and as clear words as possible I'm here because I know personally the effect wild places can have on wellness, I've seen the change in others, I've read about it in countless books and journals, and I believe spiritually that there are forces out here working on all of us that are more powerful than any intervention I can offer. I believe in wilderness personally, experientially, academically, and spiritually, a belief so strong that I must do my part to make it happen. I am the best of myself out here. I've come, yes, in part selfishly, because I want to continue to see those shining pieces of myself on a more regular basis. But I've come also with empathy and service and curiousity--I want to see the best parts of these girls out here as well.

I have that hint of winter depression in the back of my mind, poking at me discretely every time I notice the date on the calendar. I can't even wonder again whether this year will be different, I cant allow any of my energy to go down that path. Its really not even worth the temptation of believing I'm cured, though no doubt the perpetual sunshine and wellness in which this job surrounds me will do wonders. The temptation leads to a laying down of all my armor and a weakening of my resolve. Being well takes all of my will and none of my imagination. This means getting back on the supplements, and back on the personal time agenda, and getting used to talking to strangers in this new life in which I find myself. I know the battle plan, I know the fortifications, I just need to prepare myself physically mentally emotionally and spiritually for a return to war. The summer armistice is over. I hope being in this environment, atleast half time, where wellness is so ingrained in everything we do, that I can find the support and enough reminders to force myself to do what I need to do...