Election Day

That big day in November and that other world seems very far away right now. It's Tuesday afternoon at base and the wind is howling something fierce (as usual) while the girls are doing chores. I am both pretty exuberant and fairly drained. I didn't really take any time for myself while we were on solos, which in retrospect was a mistake. I found myself sitting in group last night not really retaining anything that was being said. I fell asleep before Martha had finished singing the girls a lullaby. Solos were pretty mellow, actually. It made me want to do one of my own. Each of the girls were so totally different while they were out there by themselves. The loudest most gregarious ones would appear almost sad and withdrawn when we checked on them. The quiet ones were totally in their element off by themselves away from our daily chaos. It was nice just to kick it with the guides and with the field managers as well, but it made for a very strange feeling week. There hasn't been a lot of time to really hang with many of the students, not even my mentee student after pushing so hard to take on mentor responsibilities.

Plus I'm probably dehydrated. And haven't wagged yet today, which is making me feel altogether giddy and not myself...

Finally took that break. Its dusk now and I'm hanging out up by the trailer in their hammock, watching some crazy sky. Its been blowing pretty hard all day, the temperature dropped maybe 10 degrees , and without sounding too cliched there is definitely change in the air.

I'm lying here trying to think of what this week was meant to teach me. I keep flashing on moments, but so far no particular overarching message comes to mind. There have been glimmers which leave me amazed and curious that this is actually my job, like how did I come to be in this moment in time. I take that as a very good sign of being comfortable, allowing myself to accept that I'm really here, and to settle a bit further and deeper emotionally. I think maybe this week was meant to show me the power of intention. I left the field last shift fairly frustrated with myself, mostly because I left feeling sort of impotent. I knew there was so much more that I could do and offer and take on. I came in this week knowing that I wanted to step up and take on more, to take more initiative in order to feel good about my work. And I really have...

Four hours later Obama is our new president. Its snowing pretty good, and so cold my fingertips hurt sitting up writing this. Everything seems downright surreal, and the thunder snow continues outside adding an eery layer of disbelief.

Snapshots I'll take away from this week: sitting on the edge of Avatar point on Halloween night with the new girl Sarah in the dark and actually getting somewhere talking. Several incredible psychadellic sunsets and sunrises. Thundersnow. When Caren called out on solos, and the three of us took off at full speed, total adrenaline. Maybe perhaps getting through to her about productive uses of anger. Leading my first two groups ever here. Feeling included in staff groups. Being asked by students for help. Getting my period twice in three weeks (damned healthy food). Busting up a storm with David and Derek, and getting significantly closer to flame. Cassie smiling at me. Marie crying about aftercare. Learning what it feels like to be manipulated by a student. Learning what it feels like to be unwittingly dehydrated and drained. Being a bit revulsed to have to tarp a student. Freaking myself out over skinwalkers. 120 killerpillers. Duststorms and dragons. Feeling like I belong out here...