Trigger Point

Morning at Masada on the first full day of expedition. I am trying to slow down my brain long enough to unwrap what really seems to be going on in the pit of my stomach this beautiful day.

I'm noticing this shift for the first time how my conflict-avoidance plays into how I do my job. I've been working, well, we've all been working a lot with our newest arrival Amy. I was with her even before she got out here. I was with her when she tried to walk out of camp her first night. This morning she threw a fit when I went to wake her up, screaming and crying like I'd bit off her left arm. I worked through a SOAP note after Chris requested me to, though neither he nor I really believed her very much. Her defiance and oppositionality I'm finding very very off-putting. I hesitate a bit when I approach her, because I don't want to get into a power struggle I can't and won't win. Talking to her is starting to feel like talking to Dad--the absence of reason, and the lack of bidirectional communication. It's a little jarring to keep myself in that place, and I've challenged myself to keep working with her because of it. I remembered too, how important it is to keep everything in perspective and remind myself to respect each of my students, regardless of how they are acting. I respect this girl for having a vision for her future and a clear idea about how being here gets her there, even if she is kicking and screaming the whole way. That takes a lot at 17, I don't care who you are.

And then there's my mentor student this week, Callie. She'd probably be done her south work if we let her. She is powerful like I haven't yet seen, so much that I'm curious where to take her. She knows why she's here and what she needs to accomplish. She works too hard, but otherwise its just fun to sit back and watch.

I feel out of sorts. I don't like that twisting feeling in my stomach. I don't feel super grounded, which is all around disconcerting.

But I didn't even mention--I got moved to assistant yesterday, abysmal fire skills and all!!