The Day, The Meltdown

Last night got real bad real quick. I struggle to even write about it, only because I'd like to keep my head out of the experience. Or keep that judging analyzing part out of it anyway.



What I know is what I experienced. Feeling tired and used up, drained before grad dinner. Talking to Heather briefly about C, her mentioning whether C reminds me of myself. Sitting down to dinner with the girls, feeling awkward and not quite successfully managing to flip the switch and turn back on. Wanting desparately to just sit each girl down and tell them exactly what their problem is, or smack them. Wanting desparately to get up and run far away. Walking up to the top of the parking lot, running into Derek and Addi on the way to the hospital, walking back down toward the meadow, feeling like a wave rising from my stomach that stalled in my throat. Walking across the burm and my vision tunelling and my heart racing. My breath speeding up, and knowing I needed to be on the ground. Lying on the far side of the burm, holding on with my fists in the dirt. Alex calling on the radio, startling me. Picking myself up, heading back towards Cleo, making it as far as the trailhead. Stopping at the bottom, feeling crazed and physically frenetic. Holding on to a juniper with two hands, bowing over heaad down. Climbing into the juniper itself, wedging my butt and torse up into the branches. Starring, overwhelmed, trying to conjure all of the saddest things I could imagine, trying to cry, looking to release some despair, feeling stopped up. Craving some company, willing Heather or anyone to come walking down the trail, then when she did feeling simaltaneously grateful and embarrassed. Talking to me, and tears finally welling up. Not wanting to look at her, feeling ashamed and totally certain. RElenting, walking and talking and loosing track of where I was. Sitting in her truck for awhile, talking and fighting to control my breathing. Another radio call, answring hesitantly, and transparently, hoping desparately to magically hide how upset I was from the timbres of my voice. Feeling selfish. Slowing down fianlly. Being annoited, and trying to talk my way out of the freak out. Hours passing in conversation, then Emily appearing, looking worried. More shame. Swallowing my pride, telling her the abbreviated story while she walked me back up to Cleo. Listening, glazed, as she tried to reassure me, and retaining approximately every third word. "I'd be worried if this DIDNT happen to you"... Alex appearing in his underwear, realizing it was way later than I'd thought. Attempting to play things off, Emily starring me down and keeping me honest. Telling Alex I'd got overwhelmed. Moving my bed off the platform, hoping nobody would realize. Laying down finally by the fire, exhausted, but not sleeping for eons. Watching the stars change color, and the sky brighten. Giving up about daybreak, getting up to stoke the fire, sitting down attempting to meditate, ending up just starring through the flames. The awkward how am I doing questions, knowing the monumental previous night and fine falling far short. Waiting for the question, wanting to be asked secretly, and not wanting the awkard explanation, being horrified and angry when they suggested that I ask to leave the field. MOre shame and embarassment. The girls waking, "Oh, Peggy's back" breaking for the morning. Meditating mostly succesfully by the grad medicine wheel, lying in the sun in shivassena pose, feeling ground again. Wanting to flee, deciding to fess up and ask. Walking back to cleo, falling into breakfast prep, natural., Wondering what I had left in me. Wondering if I could go there for another day, knowing I could suck it up physically though doubting my emotional stamina. Wondering how stoicism serves me, feeling pulled in all directions.

And that was sort of it.