Taken from the journal, the paper variety, just cause it needs to be said

Perhaps I'm being a bit overdramatic. Perhaps this is just a lesson of intent, a reminder that giving a damn what people think never gets you anywhere. But damn it all, I refuse to to let this semester become another experiement in futile solitude and antisocialism. I want to leave here in four-ish months having made connections with people here that I care enough about to still remember three years down the line. Or really, to have people still remember my name in that many years.

Ah, sweet Nirvana. Somehow I think whatever comes on via shuffle songs on my way to school in the morning determines the way the day goes. And today is most definitly a Nirvana day, pounding loud enough that these cheap ass headphones buzz, and my hoodie blocking out the world. THat and my ripped geans from the weekend, ah so punkass counter suggestion. I refuse the Ani impulse, angry right now beats nostalgic murmering.

You know, I was starting to get philosophically worried the other day, after reflecting on the general mood of the last month here. My bad mood led me to start thinking what the hell is going to happen to me if I'm unhappy here, and yet, this here, this right now is all I've craved for the past three years. Since I came back to the States all I've wanted was to reclaim that carefree adventurous spirit that I felt I'd lost, to again be in a situation like that where everything was ridiculously difficult but the triumph was all the more worth it. THe thing is, looking back on AFS, its such a happy idealization, generalization. Yea, I say I loved it, I say it changed my life, it changed my world view, all of which is true. But that says nothing about how upset I was alot of the time, how lonely, how frusterated. I remember, right after we got back, how conflicted I'd get having to answer "So...how was it?", and how I eventually settled on a neutral "Great, thanks". Yeah, in general yes, but that says nothing about the every day battles. Today is a battle, tommorow will be also, and that struggle is a big part of what I feed off of. Its not that things have changed in me betwen then and now (well, not in that sense), its not that I've fucked up here, its not that I'm no longer fit or cut out fo rthis kind of thing anymore, its a big picture thing. This wasn't supposed to be easy, easy is sitting at home in Columbia with everything handed down on a silver platter. I'm here to be, to experience life the closest to the Russian way as physically possible. I'm here to speak Russian untill I'm understood. I'm here to have conversations with people, with natives, that enlighten and confuse (like Lena and the high cat...)me. None of that comes quickly, or easily, or consciously.

So ignore the world day turned out much different than I expected. After classes I walked towards the metro with Bruno, Rachel the grad student, Ben and Sara. I haven't laughed that hard all month, it felt so good. I don't even know what we were talking about, something absurd I'm sure which I probably instigated atleast part of the conversation. Bruno and I ended up sitting in a cafe for an hour or so, takling about...life. Then I walked home in the drizzle feeling infinitely better.

And Natan was an AFSer. Who knew?