Birthday

I think the best part about my birthday so far has been waking up warm and dry to two cups of hot chocolate on one of the coldest nights of expedition yet. All of the girls wished me happy birthday, and the guides sang me a song. We are warm and dry back up at the wall tent after hauling ass from Tucker Springs this morning. I'm sort of zoning after finishing most of my paperwork, while dinner prep is rolling forward. They are cooking me a feast, and then I have the night and following morning off. I'm debating what to do with my evening. Breaks are way more complicated this deep into winter, I find it pretty frustrating particularly at base to find some way to occupy myself. I used to just lay in the hammock and read or write for a while. Now it's too cold to stay in one place for very long. Regardless, I'm super grateful for one more big chunk of downtime through the chaos of change-over.

I get a big kick out of recognizing all the things that used to freak me out working, that now I do pretty comfortably. I remember the first morning we woke to snow a couple shifts back. Even better, I remember the first time I pood in the snow, and how horrified I was. I remember the first time eating out of one bowl with a stick. I remember the first time attempting to bust a fire, packing a construction pack, and building a shelter. I remember the first time I called a kid out for something, the first argument I attempted to get in the middle of, and failed. Or the first time I called a kid out for being sarcastic. I particularly remember the first awkward staff feedback session. And carrying fives...

They just preseted me with a big gushy berries and cream dessert and sang happy birthday. Too cute...

This ends day thirteen of 15, and even with all of my frustrations about feeling present and problems focusing I do feel like I've made a lot of progress this shift. This is the first one where I really get why and how I differ from the students. I struggled with relating too much, and thus had a really hard time making and holding any boundaries. It finally hit me sometime last week though. I'm different from them because I've done my work. Not to say there isn't more work to be done, but I'm way further on my path than any of them are. This shift was also the first one where I've succesfully shared even a little about my own experience and past in a productive and appropriate manner. Overall, atleast this second week, I feel like I've contributed alot therapeutically, and too the staff team in a stronger and more assertive manner than before. I don't know whether theres been a lot of growth itself this week, or whether it happened sometime when I wasn't looking and now I'm just noticing the afterglow.

Must. Make. Feet. Warm. Fuck.