Scratching at the Backdoor

It's so much more than weird to write 2009 for the first time--to see it in print is to make it somewhat real. 2009 is such a departure into uncharted waters, a journey to lands I haven't even dreamed about yet.


It's Friday morning, warm, and I've just finished the last of my chocolate stash. I'm kind of at a loss for things to write a little bit. Things have been going fairly smoothly, time has picked up her pace, and I feel more or less comfortable in this space. I have the anxieties of the fast approaching off-shift sort of nipping at the outer edges of my consciousness like the dogs yelping at the backdoor to get let in. They haven't entirely convinced me yet, which I suppose is in itself progress. I am nervous that I haven't started my period yet, though not yet completely horrified. I am not often regular, and the amount of physical and emotional stress of the previous month could easily put me off my schedule. Or at least that's what I'm going to continue to tell myself for a few more weeks. I am anxious that I will potentially know in a few days whether or not I can move back to the other shift and when. That will mean whether or not this whole boy thing has any potential to go anywhere. I'm less bummed about the whole social side of things with switching to the Sky shift now that I've connected with Erika and Dustin and a few others. I'd be sad, but it wouldn't be as cataclysmic as I'd feared before coming out on this shift. I'm nervous to get home and check my phone and my email, and see who and how I've been remembered for the season. I'm apprehensive about change-over, secretly hoping there to be some small quiver of a chance to run into him around base camp at all on our way out. I'm sort of scared that there will be nothing and no sign and no contact and that he will have already moved on from this whole torrid fling. I always wonder how it seems that I get so much more engaged in a relationship or interaction with another person than the other party, but that frustration is usually my penchant for drama and codependency speaking.

Seems I let those dogs in after all.

I'm proud of myself this sift for being a big girl and dealing with the cold. Last shift being out at 15 degrees threw me pretty good, but we've been down that far pretty regularly lately. The thermometer in the medbag said 30 this morning, which seems downright balmy. I've even mastered a bit better the art of keeping my feet warm at night, though not before doing some long term damage to a couple of toes. I feel so much better equipped to handle the cold this time out. My new sleeping bag is more than solid for this climate, plus the addition of the silk liner and my bivy I'll be damn near polar bear proof. Also bringing out the Russian socks for at least sleeping have helped tremendously--I've been double bagging them lately at night and haven't woke because of cold feet since. My red synthetic puffy coat and actual snow gloves too have made life in general way more pleasant to deal with. I usually end up wearing both puffy coats at night while we are working on dinner prep or group and stuff, and then sleep wearing one with one wrapped around my feet. I've been hiking just in midweight long john bottoms and hiking pants, then all the way down to my purple exped weight top. Well, all two days that we've actually been moving in the past eleven. I'm also proud of myself for sitting with the anxiety that comes up on cold dark fireless nights and moving through some of it. I know and continue to remind myself that the sun will come again, I will be warm and comfortable again soon. I have to remind myself that night and winter are true transitory creatures, they will move forward and the light will return momentarily.

Hiking today to Old Base camp, then tomorrow up to Tucker Springs. We should get back to base by Sunday pretty easily, and in time for my birthday. I hope to have transitioned E to the west by that point (FINALLY), assuming she doesn't check out completely with her aftercare news. For me just personally that would be a huge note to leave on.

It's warm enough in the sunshine and silence that I'm getting drowsy just sitting here...