fulduh: i died today. and now im rebuilding. i think. i hope.
fulduh: i spent 2 hours in the counseling center today. it was...scary. in a good way. i really dont want to come home
AcappSngr: what are afraid of/why not?
fulduh: im realizing that i did what i did this weekend somehow in response to alot of things there...more of a fuck you world than anything else...and im realizing that...home is not a good place to be. that the longer im there the more i believe what they say...and thats really not a good thing. but ik now when im there ill forget all of this...i get so wrapped up in being the person that they think i am...that they think i should be...and i forget whats really under there.
fulduh: this is all absurd.all of it. and damn it...i dont like the person theyd have me be. but i cant...because so much of it is who i am...and everything i hate about him are the best parts of me.
AcappSngr: i cant advise you or come close to it .. all i can say is im here for you i love you like a sister and i am here for you
fulduh: i know ...that means....a lot more than you think
fulduh: can we go to the bay...?
fulduh: its funny...i dont know why...everytime im...not doing well i have ocean dreams. and i wake up hearing waves ringing...and its a huge...disappointment.
AcappSngr: waters a powerful thing
fulduh: i heard a seagull the other day..it almost made me cry. and then we had a thunderstorm...and ive never felt so...relieved.
AcappSngr: you should have gone out and stood in it ... thats one of the most relaxing things ive ever done
fulduh: but just listening...i sat outside last night talking to afriend until 2...for the first time i wished i had any composition skills...i would write that night...write the whitenoise and trains moaning and wind and leaves and pretend silence
fulduh: god boy, im a mess.
AcappSngr: ah yes ... but apparently for you tourtured and poetic go hand in hand
fulduh: i hide behind words. have you not figured that out already
fulduh: words are withdrawn. i control words.
AcappSngr: thats probly why you have such a strong attraction to music; less refined and controlled
AcappSngr: you hide behind words, but there is no way to hide behind music, it is truly your soul in the air, it is you expressing you, passion, love regret, loss, yearning, hope, pick an adjective: that's music ... you cant control what you feel each time, you cant control what you do each time ... words are different, words mean one thing, say one thing, music can speak so many different things at once ,,, sorry ill stop before i write a dissertation
fulduh: what you said makes a lot of sense
fulduh: like...playing is a way of facing my fears...of having everything that ive been concealing bared...
AcappSngr: yeah .. i know ... its the same for me .... at least when i put my heart into it
fulduh: having to face emotion
fulduh: and thats why i hate performing...get such stage fright
fulduh: because youre up there and theres no avoiding the fact hat everyone out there knows the deepest secrets of your soul...that the whole world can see right through you
AcappSngr: ah yes ... but the entire audience is letting their soul be bared throught the music as well .. which is why i disagree that the audience is the reason you play .. i think that the audience is there for themselves .. not for you
fulduh: i dont thknk the audience is the reason you play, almost like theyre there witnessing...some intrinsic transendental experience...like stumbling onto someone masterbating...or being born.
Aww Chris. You saved me today. I hope you know that.
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