Particularly resonant

So while cleaning tonight madly, I found this letter I wrote to myself back in August. It was the last night of our NSO breakaway adventure, the last night officially pre-college. I read through it and laughed, cried, got tremendously embarrased, pretty much you name it. But I thought a lot of it rang particularly true tonight, the last night of my freshman year. Again, the precipices...

August 24, 2005
Hey Peg,

So again here I am on the brink. Its the last night of our Breakaway, and we're sitting here roasting in the bunkhouse at Opal Creek. It feels kinda like an anticlimactic end to this week, an unexpected let down, curious after I've spent the better part of this outing guarding myself against cold and pain. But I'm warm and dry, so I really can't complain that much. I feel like I've hit my people quota for the week, so its getting harder and harder to keep myself involved and present. But sitting here is infinitly better than facing what morning has to offer. It wasn't until we hit Jawbone this afternoon that the reality of this event really hit me. Tomorow I'm starting college. Then finally I was able to lok around me for the first time, see through the perpetual drip drizzle, and fully take in the mountanis. This is a truly beautiful place, which I get four years to explore. I'm pysched.

I don't really know what else to say. I feel like I'm in such a better place now vesus the last time I wrote one of these letters. I'm ready to get this year started, get the useless awkwardness of the first few weeks in a new place over and done with. I feel so on edge, this nagging nervousness and everything, like theres always something I'm not doing to make this portion of my life OK. Aprehension...I'm working so hard to not hope up inside myself, to keep up in the inner circle, not chilling onthe outside watchingall the time. It takes so much energy, but this time around I know how much its worth. Its funny, the pulling instincts- to hole up and be with my head-or keep throwing myself ointo the ring. I'm excited about Akin,...My lingering worry is to just get overwhelmed. WIth school work, with being around people, with being so far away for so long. Right now its just too much blank space to fill, uninmaginable.

I'm sitting transfixed by fire, flames mirrored against the pouring rain. Yes its raining. For the fourth night in a row. It is possible. But I made it. I even made it down the two mile descent from hell on my bad knees. Thats why I love backpacking- the knowledge oozing from your body that you've conquere something difficult. Even if its shitty in the process.

So no wellwishes this time around. Although it was pretty funny to hear me whining in retrospect. I will be satisfied if you feel like you've lived, loved, and learned tremendously. I will be happy if you've challenged yourself, and happily sought challenge from others. Everything else is a bonus.

Oh, and please. No more shitty boyfriends, alright?

Love,
P


So true, on so many levels. I feel my 16 year old self, pre AFS, yelling at my 18 year old self to wise up and stop hiding behind so many pretty words. And they're both sitting, glowering at me today, imploring me to stop being so damn dramatic all the time- that in the mean time the world is running away.

Yes, Ani. "Sometimes the best lessons are learned at the worst times"