All Such Things

Night-hiking again this New Year's Eve, well sort of. A truly drag ass morning and a wee bit of a back hike and again a beautiful trail side sunset in view of three mountain ranges. We are in full meltdown mode on two of four fronts, but the amount of work to be done I'm finding thrilling, and super engaging for once. That may be the large amount of chocolate I just consumed however, or the fact that I'm warm and dry in my sleeping bag in my shelter while dinner prep happens down below and around me. I am a bit high off an afternoon of good conversations and a lot of good feedback from the girls in the last few days. They keep commenting on how much the appreciate my honesty and disclosure, how it makes me easier to relate to. Though that boundary is still a pretty huge challenge for me, hearing that is a huge victory. I've known all along that my experiences and my story will make me a much stronger guide in this role, and its nice to see the very beginning seeds int hat garden start to bud.

If I could, I would tell these girls that I've been there, and it passes. I would tell them that I've drank too much, did drugs for the wrong reasons, slept with guys to try to satisfy a need I didn't understand. I would tell them I've been depressed, anxious, suicidal, codependent, hopeless. I would tell them about the number of times I've lost and found myself, and the number of times I've found myself at the very bottom of the well. I would tell them about waking up with the wrong people, and then the right people. I would tell them that we are all so much greater than the things that happen to us. That we are all such thorough works in progress--there will be good days and there will be a plethora of bad. That there are days that threaten to strangle you, but every morning can be a new start if you allow it and are open to it. I would tell them to stay away from the quick fixes and miracle treatments--life and recovery are battles at times. I would tell them that some days you are here and some days you are not and the key is to love yourself without judgement and never fear the work that lies ahead.

The truth is I would tell myself all such things...