Old Flames

En route once more to Dallas, beginning the slow and beautiful trek homeward to Colorado. My plan of the moment is to head north tonight and camp at Cochiti lake, an Army corps campground between Albuquerque and Santa Fe. That is, if I don't totally wuss out and go to the hostel instead. I'm hoping I'll meet people at the WFR and that someone will take pity on me and offer me some floor space, like we did in Portland last time, but not counting on it. Camping by myself still makes me a bit anxious, I'll admit. I'm looking forward to the course, though nervous that I don't remember enough. I just took the pre-test for practice and managed an 80%, so I think I'll be OK at least in the beginning. So three days of WFR in Albuquerque then I'm hoping to make a stop at Chaco on the way North, get back Tuesday later, maybe Wednesday depending on the weather and how ambitious I get.

I ran into Nolan last night for the first time in a while--like three or four years I guess. I think it was all the weirder given the truely messed up place my head seems to occupy lately. And also seeing him right on the heels of potentially the most awkward Mom conversation ever...where she was basically like "Peggy I'm glad you are comfortable enough with yourself to take a relationship physical..." so I had to follow with the inevitable "Mom, it's not like thats the first time I've had sex..." just the first time you've known about. And if she bugs me one more time about birth control I think I'm just going to laugh. So it turns out she wasn't just playing dumb to our extracurriculars way back when, but legit oblivious. Seeing Mike was only awkward 'cause I couldn't seem to take my eyes off his package. Yea...explain that one...It's quite strange to stumble into that old layer of being once more and to not really feel like I'm transgressing. Despite my inability to control my gaze it was actually a pretty harmless interaction. Definitly reminded me how far I've come since then, and what a different plane really, I'm living in then high school, and what a radical departure my flirtation (for lack of a better word) with Jack really is.

We spoke actually, yesterday for a short while. It was nice, and expectedly ackward and awesome in a fumble around for words kind of way. I made up some crackpot semi-legit excuse to pick up the phone, some question about the recert to ask him. I don't exactly know what I expected, what I was afraid of--that he'd refuse to talk to me ?! I guess at this point I'm a bit confused by how much of any interaction is just sweet because its genuine like he would be with anyone, and how much is me. I have this reoccuring daydream about when we finally see each other next week or whenever, and don't really know what to do or say. I think I'd ask actually, or say how confused I am about how to read him, and whether we are still being physical or trying to do the friend thing. I think I'd have a hard time controlling myself, or atleast I do when I daydream. To actually have a pretty good chance of having that conversation in almost a week is almost too much to bear...