Empathetically Insecure

All I've wanted for the last few days was the moment to sit and write for a while. That, and a break in the rain/wind/snow. and now I have both, and I can think of little consequential to say.

The biggest thing coming up for me this week so far is how much not being in the know annoys me. I mean, or I gues currently I mean when the staff team staffs up without me. Its not even the not knowing whats going on that bugs me the most, but not being included. It makes me feel insecure, and unworthy and stupid. It brings up feeling unwanted and not trusted and undesirable and overlooked. I had brought this feedback to Alex last shift and mentioned it to Kara as well, so I challenged myself this week not to bring it up. Not to flip out hen I dont know whats going on or what the plan is, to make a more visible effort just to rool with it as I go. Sort of as a challenge to see if I could do so, not ask a bunch of questions for the sake of including myself. And to challenge myself just to be uncomfortable and feel all of those things.

No snow this morning, but frigid. Colder than I've experienced out here for a couple of months. I am wearing all of my layers and then some. I slept in everything for the first time since early January, and was pleasantly warm all night. To think it was 75 degrees last shift, and I debated retiring my deep winter sleeping bag for the season...

Solos ending this afternoon makes me a bit anxious. Mostly because I'm tired and thinking about kicking back into gear makes me more tired. Those transports on the way into work really sapped my energy. I'm sitting here watching the surise wishing I had a cup of coffee to warm my hands and my heart.

The other big field emotional thing that keeps coming up for me out here lately is how much the helpless almost entitled ones seem to get under my skin. I'm trying to figure out why. I find it exasperating, particularly when they've been here a while already and are privy to a lot of our tricks of the trade, yet still aren't doing for themselves and freak out unless others are taking care of them for them. Jo is a great example, or atleast the most current. I have a hard time showing empathy when shes not using the tools we've given her to be succesful and take care of herself, and is still suffering. I'm having a hard time connecting into why she is that way psychologically and experientially, where her basic goodness lies. I think I am such an independent person, and have always been expected to take care of myself and the people around me, --all those kids who have never had to do something hard, never had to do something for themselves just piss me off on a personal level. A little bit of jealousy and far too much self-righteousness. Where I should be compassionate I am instead frusterated and angry. I never had a chance or an opportunity to be whiney and demanding and taken care of, and I guess atleast on some level I resent her for that. I need to remember that a lot of her that frusterates me are the same patterns coming through. Helpless is anting attention, medically manifesting emotions is in someways the same. Wanting attention and not knowing the right ways to get what she wants. IT fits the whole messy divorce, super immaturity, boy crazy physicality part too. Patterns like throwing hissy fits and refusing and trying to charm her way through things that aren't working so well here any more. I'm sort of using her to practice my goal of showing more compassion this week. I've done it a lot before too, once I know I'm being triggered by a student I often redouble my efforts to work with them, just to get through it and proove to myself almost counter suggestively that I can find that connection and be somewhat productive, even when I'm uncomfortable. I did it with Cris, never got there with Sam, did it with A, and now Jo. On the hike in to White Rock she freaked out panicked again, like she did all last shift. At one point I got down next to her as she's doubled over crying and couched her through one of Norman's breathing excercises, and still managed to find that boundary line of "yes, OK, now we have to keep moving." Then again his morning, I was checking her feet on the first solo round. THey were legit cold, so I put them on my belly for awhile. I think usually I would just have got frusterated before and scoffed. I'm curious to see what afefct showing more compassion audibly and physically has.

It's late afternoon now, and I am shitting on top of White Rock looking out on mountains in all directions and just feeling so very blessed in this moment that being out here is my job and my life. I had good talks with Nadine and Andi this afternoon after pulling everyone off solos, and the sun finally came out. I got space this morning and this time now, and am feeling way more grounded than these past couple of days. I am liking the balance of the last few shifts out, where I can both totally loose myself and forget what day it is, and also be excited to go home and do good things. I feel good about my week when I can hit Sunday or Monday and not be strung out frenetic exhausted. Working with Marie adn Kara has been fabulous. The high point that I'll remember for awhile was our food party last night once we finally put Cate out on a modified solo and had the kitchen to ourselves. I introduced the both of them to peanut butter chocolate torts. The peanut butter was super runny and dripped from both ends like crazy and for awhile the three of us were eating the same tort at the same time and laughing so hard it hurt.

I'm still working on the part about how I show my compassion out here question. I haven't come up with any great easy answers. I know I am compassionate when I can empathize genuinely with a student when they are acting a certain way and keep myself in check. I am compassionate when I can touch into my emotions and respond, instead of react. When I can balance the behavior with the old pattern and intent--see past what to the probable why, without getting my personal stuff to cloud the picture.

A work in progress, I am.