South Style

I'm feeling frazzled and worn out. We bumped C back up to high suicide watch this afternoon on the way back to base. I'm not even involved directly this time with her, and even I feel manipulated. She seems to enjoy the whole process in some sick sort of way. It seems like shes testing us, saying that we're not taking her safety seriously enough with the modified watch and she was going to hang herself with her shelter cordage last night but she fell asleep first. It's like, "You guys don't love me enough, so I'll just go and kill myself now..." or at least thats how I took it. Pretty tiring at any rate. She seems so wrappedup in being crazy, it's almost become an identity stronger than any others for her. Any divergance, fun of any sort, n o matter how brief takes her away from that sense of self. I guess I'm triggered by the passivity, and a little annoyed to still be playing this game. She's overwhelming.

Other than that I guess its Sunday and I'm making it through. I'm having a hard time putting the work into building rapport with this new crew of kids. I've made some connection or atleast had an extended conversation with almost everyone, which I'm proud of. Staffing dynamics have been the biggest challenge for me this week, even more than just feeling physically shitty. Alex and me aren't clashing, but we are definitly not clicking, and I'm finding that hard to sit with. Chris I'm just intimidated by and want so badly to please it's tremendously off-putting. And Torrey just hasn't been around. I miss Kara's south energy a lot...