Face-off

Lurking just downwind should not be considered a break by any means, in any form. I'm physically dragging though emotionally and spiritually buoyed. We made it up to Cougar's Crossing this afternoon in great form. I'm proud and excited to have survived my first real sitter stare-down, and had a big part in ending the stale mate. Jo got pretty close to breaking on the haul up from Old Base Camp, and threw a hissy fit at Alex. She was still on directions after a talk we had at lunch where she told me she didn't care if she rejoined the group or not and didn't give a shit what any of the girls thought and anytime she looked like she did it was all fake. And a lot of crying. I want to believe I made a connection in that moment, I figure at the very least it seemed to be authentic her, but I don't really trust that tie. She strikes me as somebody who uses people for the sake of not being used first. At any rate, after blowing up at Alex and refusing to move halfway up this pretty epic climb, when I went down and talked to her she got up. I don't know if I was the magic or not, but I was expecting to get a great big fuck you and anything more was just bonus. I'm always petrified of those decision moments when I call a student's bluff, and am constantly amazed when they don't challenge me. If I were them, I'd challenge me, and push me hard.

It's been a strange balance of weird dynamics so far this shift. Definitely different with just me and Alex, for the most part. I'm having a hard time both being supportive of him and taking more initiative for myself. There seems to be a big disconnect between those two intentions that I wasn't expecting, which kind of rattles me. I think he has a hard time stepping back and letting go of control even just a little bit. When I have taken steps to assert myself and show some confidence, he always seems to show up or step in somehow. I feel like he doesn't trust me, and that's irking me a lot. And then he mentions feeling tense around me, which I actually was pretty surprised and taken aback by. We tried to discuss it this morning, awkwardly, but just sort of talked each other into a knot. Now I sense just some simmering weirdness which I don't deserve, and don't know what to do with. I want to know as part of a team that I can be depended on just as much as I lean on others, and not sensing that makes me feel anxious, defensive, uncertain, and just a little invalidated. (There it is again, that never feeling good enough)

Should be another awkward feedback session in the morning. I'm happy the weather has shifted, we have no one on directions, we're headed back to base tomorrow, we get four staff back tonight, and can take real breaks. It's Saturday almost over the hump, I have a cold and am not totally psychosomatically ill. The sun is setting on mostly clear skies, and the next two days should be pretty mellow.

Famous last words.

My body is feeling full in the head and my nose is chapped raw. My mind is sleeping, my heart is uncertain, restrained, and ambitious. Like I've got a lot to prove. My soul is observing.