It's Christmas eve and I am back in Cleo after a very brief soujourn in Bohdi. I kind of feel better already--the young adults sort of stressed me out. All around I am distracted and foggy today, and I don't like it. I feel sort of disembodied right now, given everything going on drawing my attention away from right here right now.
Right here right now is chilling out in the wall tent, relatively warm and cozy for the first time in days. Right now is laughter and light while the snow continues to fall outside. Right here doesn't quite seem like a holiday yet, but is trying hard. Right now is sort of real and nostalgic and rosy red and glowing. This moment is full of recognition and cameraderie and some homecoming, even hundreds of miles away.
On the other side, my head is full of secret longings and remembrances. My head is full of February and the chance of returning home in a few weeks to a note or an email. My head is all overheard stories and recollections from other people, and a secret inner smile to myself that is apt to make me burst. This place is so fall of his presence, its both torture and kind of reassuirng in a way--he is in fact real and more than a figment of my wayward imagination.
Every now and again I just sort of shake myself out of this hazy reverie. I can't do two weeks of work in this state, I'm exhausted and we are still at base camp.
I am confused that the little window ledge breaking the flow between my heard and head is making an appearance today--maybe simply the sign of not feeling relaxed and grounded and at peace with my responsibility. This whole boy situation has thrown me further from my routine than I'd like to admit.
I'm going to stop now as heres the part wehre things get pretty circular and weird.
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