Under the Cottonwood Trees

Sitting under cottonwood trees, even in the dead of winter still puts summer smells on my mind. Last night they were saying was the coldest one yet, drooping down into the teens for my first time out here. It's cloudy, and the sun's weak effort seems like snow. I am increasingly aware that surviving winter out here will require a lot more consciousness around taking care of myself and a lot more acceptance and breath than I am used to incorporating in my working life.

Marie graduated last night. As she likes to say, she took my Open Sky virginity. She was my first good Cleo conversation, my first pathway I signed, my first 1-1 session, my first student mentor, and my first grad. She was also the last of that first core group of girls I worked with my first shift to move on. I guess I'm feeling a little attached to that, and a lot less rapport with the current crop of students. A lot of this is just time, I know, and a lot is just the strange march of hours and deeds that means we must all move forward, willing and concious or not, eventually. Marie's passage though, in a roundabout way brings me to my own journey here. Her departure makes finishing my apprenticeship seem real and closed. Marie was also the one whos eemed to stick with me, even on the off-shift, and I'm curious to see if I can control and process that adequately, now that she's gone.

This journal was meant for this time and this place---I see it so vividly now. The red one lost to Squaw was very much a South place in my experience, full of rages and passions. This one feels so much more contemplative and grounded than before, writting here feels a bit more solid and fluid than before even. I like the feel of it in my hand and the way I feel compelled to open my heart lately while writting.

Even drowsy and zoning I can still hear camp going on a good quarter mile away. Someone yelling the same things at the same people, and I kind of have to laugh. I think this week I've done a lot better at owning up to how I'm feeling, particularly regarding specific students. In the past I haven't been super cognizant of the way or the moments when students triggered me until well after the fact. Amy affected me so much, pretty much from the moment we arrived at base last week. I was able to acknowledge that though, and work through it relatively constructively. I made it a personal mission to proove that I could work with ehr, even if it meant being uncomfortable with all our interactions bring up for me. I've done so fairly consistantly and succesfully too, I might add. I didn't let her scare me away.