Encroach and Approach

Winter's approach is turning into one drawn out exercise in controlling panic. Every night out here seems to be colder than the one before, and bedtime triggers a little bit of a sense of impending doom. Its definitely a good project for me in controlling my fight or flight reflex, in keeping myself in uncomfortable situations, and trusting that whatever comes up will be surmountable.

I am again realizing how crucial the alone time thing is for my sanity. Its a couple hours past sundown, and we just rolled into camp a few minutes ago. I've been daydreaming for most of the day about an extra hour of morning to enjoy, fantasizing really. I got up about 6:30, got the fire stoked, started some water for tea, and had only just sat down to write when people started waking. The combination of mourning the lost morning, not sleeping well for two nights in a row now, and being stuck in the back hiking watching a couple of students at their whiny entitled worst put me in a foul mood for most of the afternoon. I hate the feeling of being zonked, checked out mentally and emotionally. I'd be walked on pretty much auto-pilot for awhile, catch myself zoning out, and have to remind myself that hey, this is my job, and prod myself into a conversation with someone. I remember learning so well about internal self-care that first summer at Birch Trail, and wondering how I would ever make it through a whole day on trips without just exhausting myself. And we didn't have the staffing or the mechanisms to take breaks on trips. I think I need to bring more chocolate out on shift. I think I need to maybe get up even earlier to have that space before the students wake. I think I really need to get over my embarrassment over asking for breaks, like anyone is going to think worse of me for asking for the time and space that I need...

The moral of this story leaves me attempting to chill out as dinner prep happens. I climbed halfway up the mesa and am sitting behind a couple of huge boulders. We're camped close enough to the wall that voices throw really strange echoes, and the girls below sound almost crystal clearly from behind my back. Oso, Jonah's dog appeared a little while ago from behind me and all I heard was animal breathing down my neck. It's hard to stay up here when what I really want to do is doze off but its too cold to do so comfortably. It is almost too cold tonight to sit in one place for very long. So my brain says nap but my body says get moving.