On the Dragon Spine

I'm not sure for how well or how long this will actually work, but for lack of a better idea I'll give it a go. I'm on break tonight pre-dinner, watching the sunset over way off Monument Valley from the top of the dragon spine at Soda Springs. My handwriting is going haywire as my hands are freezing, but the light in this place and the beauty outside and within my head is too breathtaking go pass up. If we were at sea this would be the moment of the green flash. As it is, the only flashes are from the snow searing my retinas after two days without sunglasses. Atleast I finally got smart today and remembered to put sunblock on.

I wish I had words or an explanation for why this shift is going so roughly. Some of it is bouncing around from group to group and then that transport. Some of it is just being blah from the holidays. Some is I'm sure being way less gung-ho for a double after that first one. Some is coming in mentally, physically, and emotionally drained I'm sure. A lot is just feeling far away outside my body for most of the time so far, and then beating myself up over kowing that I'm pretty checked out. All this translates into me feeling pretty inept at my job. I've also been way less than adequate at the eating and drinking neccesary to be out here at this time of year, which leaves me feeling even more exhausted and physically ill. And then all the normal winter terrors leave me dragging at the very tail end of my inspiration.

I didn't sleep much last night for cold feet and truely screwed up dreams. Solos make me a little bit paranoid to begin with. I always thing I hear students calling their name to be rescued, particularly after it happened last time. They are doing well here this week, but the activity crossed with the forces that live here at this site definitly set me on edge.

I think the biggest thing that makes me antsy about the whole boy situation is how healthy it seems. I realized this after talking to Martha about it a few mornings ago. This (whatever this is) is the first time I've been with someone and not been somehow altered in the head. Usually depression, though anxiety and a whole lot of alchohol were at the forefront of all the relationships I've ever had. It's strange and more than a little bit terrifying and wonderful and intriguing not to have all those crutches to fall back on, truely uncharted territory. Maybe even moreso than the sober sex was...

I have in the back of my mind what happens when Ellen decides to keep me on this shift for good. Or when I dont get my period next week. Or when I get home in 9 more days and have no note or anything from him. Or even worse--when I do. Most nights sleeping out here I flash on that one evening together in a tent. More often than that I imagine his presence--the smell and the warmth and the mischief in his eyes. I imagine how he would be in a group, or whether he thinks of me out here, though I shut that down pretty quick. All these imaginings and secret backroom dealings really wreak havoc on my present tense. I am touchy like I haven't been in a very long time.

I hate to admit it but I am counting the days to warmth and some security and peace of mind. I am not tapping into the grace I know I have, my hood and hat pulled very literally down over my ears and eyes, blocking out both sound and the last afterglow remenants of the sunset.

Coyotes tell me it is way past time to retire...