Villian-ess

I don't think I like being the new supervillian. It's bringing up a lot of my need and perpetual desire to be liked and for there not to be tension. And my propensity for conflict avoidance like hardcore. I want to just immediatly go and do whatever I can and whatever I need to so that Trace and Karla aren't pissed at me. It makes me second guess my choices and my actions, like maybe they're on to something, like I have wronged them by challenging them, though I know thats the insecurities talking. I need to just sit with being uncomfortable, sit with knowing their is tension and conflict without running to make it all go away.

The last night in the field, and even with everything thats gone down, I'm feeling pretty good. Capable, confident, calm even. New home girl got delayed (slash went pyscho in Denver and wasn't permitted past security in the airport) so we are suddenly shooting to move again in the morning, and meet her halfway through the day. Hopefully at Cheer Up already, even. I'm tired, but not almost dysfunctional wasted tired. I'm excited to be headed home tommorow, but not completely possessed by the thought or weighed down by the process of getting from here to there. I feel more in control over my emotions and responses than I have in the field in the past, which is remarkable given what day it is. I feel rejuvenated and excited too, about the prospects of building a working relationship with Emily D, after a couple of quick chats in the last few days. She saw me in top form today, both working with Andi in a joint session, and then taking and reflecting feedback from students and doing art in a group. I'm looking forward to meeting with her to finally finish my pathway stuff on Thursday, instead of dreading it.

It occured to me yesteday at somepoint, how rarely I feel truely calm and serene. It amazes me sometimes how much of my life is/has been run around being anxious and not realizing. It is hard for me even to pin down the physical feeling attached to calm, foreign enough that I have to think hard to match body to heart. I feel sad and a little bit disappointed and regrettful thinking about how much time and good energy I devoted to feeling frenetic and unbalanced, how much my anxieties and insecurities painted so many potentially meaningful scenes. And curious to see if I can call up some inner stillness in the future, on shift and off. Or how to do so, I suppose, more than anything.