Thundersnow, Again.

It thunder-snowed for a while on us this morning, while coming down from Shangri La. In the moment it kind of pissed me off, with a deep sort of foreboding. We were lost, sort of, one canyon up from where we expected to be. I was feeling pretty rundown, and failing miserably at engaging the new girl, Karla, in any sort of conversation. But in retrospect, thunder snow is...awesome and humbling and really kind of epic.

I'm feeling almost lonely tonight. Closer to homesick than lonely, I don't quite yet have a good word for it. I can feel almost physically my insecurities sneaking back into regular conversation, triggered in part by watching Alex and Kara staff up together without me a couple of times. I'm sure all kind of innocuously, but it always just freaks me out a little bit, like they are talking about me oh my god they must not trust me they don't respect me I'm doing a poor job. I acknowledge the absurdity of the thought process, and am at least acting out less in response to it. Feedback days always put me a little on edge to begin with, and particularly today the slow realization that this is day 8 for me, with another three left to go puts me more vulnerable to down talking myself than normal, or than I'd like to be.

Good lord I am going to have to pee like crazy shortly. I just made a thermos full of hot chocolate (and some cappuccino powder mixed in...fuck) that while exceptionally calming I have a sickening suspicion might keep me up for a while. I've been sleeping really well this shift, like often entirely through the night instead of waking up every coupe of hours. Its been a really nice change of pace, and I'm sure no small part of why I have been so positive and had so much energy lately, compared to past shifts.

It's frosting. It feels like forever since its been cold enough to frost out here. Utah in the springtime is officially weird. We go from warm enough for lizards and tee shirts to snow and frost in like a day and a half. Awesome.

I had an interesting conversation with Nadine this afternoon. I kind of wasn't banking on it actually going anywhere, given here propensity to brush things off. Then suddenly later on when we were doing dinner and an intro group for Karla, she described her challenges here as building a better relationship with herself, so she can have better relationships with others. It was sort of a sha bam kind of moment, either that or she was just parroting what she thinks I want to hear...I had asked her straight up what she's doing here, after reading her 2 page paper thing about when she was at her best all around how her life was on the up before she came here and being here is a big miscommunication with her parents. Getting along with others and being way hard on everyone and herself was sort of the answer we came to, but I didn't expect to hear it from her mouth so openly. It was a cool moment for me, to feel like a one-on-one actually went somewhere useful.

Tonight my body feels hunched and bent. My left foot is asleep and I'm finally starting to feel the chill in my legs and across the back of my neck. My tongue is leathery and burned. My neck and upper back are tight. My mind is antsy and quick, going in no particular direction. My hear is heavy tired, not heavy sad. My heart is longing and confused what for. My heart is tranquil a bit, and already a bit anxious about whatever is coming next. My soul feels a bit placid, hanging out on the edges just taking it all in.