Light on the Outside, Still on the Inside

They tell me springtime in the desert means wind like crazy. Right now the air is so thick with dust and sand that the blue sky above has taken on a grey brown haze like a curtain two miles out. It is warm but the incessent bowling breeze tricks me into thinking its month colder than it wants to be.



It's been a stupid giddy couple of days, in the best possible way. I'm sitting in the sunshine outside of the staff tent drinking hot chocolate. I feel warm and accomplished in one of those moods where I could sit and stare and sip my tea for hours on end and feel entirely content. My body is feeling stretched and worn out. My upper back is tight, and my face is hot. I feel like I've been slouching for too many days ina row, probably the case. My mind is slowing, not nearly so frenetic as the past couple of days. My heart is opening and so very content to be knee deep in this experience. I feel accomplished in my heart and proud of the work I've done this week, and the work I've helped to facilitate. My heart feels endless and boundless and infinitely wise. My soul feels present, like some sort of flamboyant parrot just chilling on my shoulder, taking it all in stride.



I can hear Avatar rocking out on the wind, and bits and pieces of so many conversations floating from so many directions. I feel so happy and proud to be a part of this crazy scene right now, and so committed to making the small and crucial inroads in so many lives. This is what its about for me, even when the weather is shitty and I'm exhausted and somebody is screaming about hating me and wanting to die. I will one day hear the flapping of prayer flags, so many layers of them, in my dreams. I will step beyond my insecurities and anxiety and know without question that I am good and this work is good and that I can connect to the small flame of goodness in all of us without getting lost in my head or my shortcomings.



I'm proud of myself so far this week for so much. I've brought a lot of light energy, of fun ridiculousness without going overboard and without getting angry and frusterated first. I'm proud of myself for bringing concerns to Alex appropriately, not just convincing myself that they were invalid and just a matter of me being uncomfortable and insecure. I'm proud I didn't stuff it in and let my frusterations fester before getting angry enough to snap. I'm proud of the work I did both with Andi and Karla this week. I'm really happy that I didn't get intimidated by Karla's isolation or moods or vocalizing her desires to hurt herself. I'm so stoked to have actually stuck to my goal of listening more than speaking, and to have seen it pay off big time with the both of them. I'm proud that I trusted the program this week, shut my mouth, and did my best to stay out of it. Low and behold, every time I had some burning desire to say something or contribute something and decided to sit with it for a while longer, some student managed to come forward and make the point way better and more impactful than I ever could have.

My two biggest goals for the week were to be light on the outside and still on the inside, and to make art. I think I've done a pretty good job with both so far. Light and still look like calm and playful and fun externally, while remaining grounded, balanced, focused, and serene I guess internally. I haven't really gone to that frenetic angsty place yet this shift, it's been nice and way more relaxing. And more fun. The ridiculousness with out all the work in between I guess. Mandatory happy funtime, and Kara being her fabulous self really helped too. As did art, and the perpetual fear of coming off shift feeling as emotionally worked as I did last week. That and my crayons. I think they did the girls more good than me, which is totally fine. I am finding the drawing and coloring sort of calming. More than calming, I am appreciating the release, and the different sort of processing required to put shape and color to feelings. More, "What would this look like," rather than "what would this mean?". So much less taxing.